yotogi.net

Interesting things that I saw last night:

• Raver poser carrying a cel phone off of his cargo pants pocket with so many blinky lights he looked like a discoteque.
• More women than I can count wearing skimpy clothing yet walking around freezing.
• A girl trying to get the attention of the 3 guys that she knew ahead of them by flashing them from behind. The were not paying attention and missed the whole thing. When they turned around she looked embarassed.
• Clove smoking frat boys.
• An older teenage girl wearing a sweatshirt from the Limited Too.
• The amazingly vacant eyes of a woman sweeping the streets.

And perhaps the best thing:
A guy tying his girlfriend's shoe, provoking the though, "That is indeed love..."

Interesting things that I heard last night:

• Daniel on EQ:
  Enough with the elf logic, enough with the magic building skills...
• Daniel on messed up people:
  You are so messed, your porn scares me...
• Daniel on a girl he once dated:
  Daniel: She was like the difference between a 60 watt and an 80 watt.
  Aaron: But that is a lot.
  Daniel: Not during the day.

And that is just what I was able to write down on napkins and my arm. I was glad to be carrying a pen. I am going to have to get a digital camera. Some of this stuff only makes sense unless you can see it or were there, and you are probably neither.

Insomnia can kiss my white ass. I do indeed have blue hairs although with the blue of my monitors it is not like you care.

So I asked Jen out for coffee today and gave her my number. I am determined to explore and break through the bounds that I have held myself to for all of these years. I am tired of being in a place where I have walls around me. It is almost there. I can feel it coming and I don't think that I can stop it even if I want to.

So I get this in my e-mail about the Final Fantasy Movie.

Not that much to it but I guess that I will post it anyway just in case anyone is tracking this kind of thing like I am. Also linked in the Media section.

Work was work today. I am not sure that I got all that much done, but I am certain that I am set up to get a whole lot done.

Jen was at the Bagel store this morning, but not working. She caught me outside to tell me that she really couldn't go out with me on account of her having a boyfriend and all. She said that the reason that she hadn't said anything the day before was that she was so flattered. I am somehow not really upset by all of this. It was really enough that she said OK in the first place. I told her that it was quite alright, that I was glad that she told me as opposed to not calling, and that if she was going to go out and do something in a group to let me know. I am really looking for friends right now. People to hang out with and all.

There are a whole lot of things that I have come to think about as a result of my mailings with a friend back home. One is that I am not intemidated by anyone. I think this is because I know that there are people out there better at something than me. It is in that acknoledgement that I loose the intimidation. I think this is necessary since I don't believe that anything other than fear can come from such feelings.

The traffic on my site has been going up and I cannot be sure who is actually reading this. I know some of the people who do, but for the most part, feel free to rip me a mail and let me know what you do or do not think.

So another thing that pops to mind is how close I am to reaching a major breakthrough in my life. For a really, REALLY long time I have been keeping myself and, more so, my emotions in check. This has led to I believe several things. One, I know that when I need to I can exert control on my emotional state in order to get things done. Two, performing the activities of limiting one's self leads to unspent creative energy. Three, I have been doing this holding back for way too long. So, I have been letting it run a little loose these last couple of weeks. I can feel a huge back-pressure of things just waiting to come pouring out. I hope that no one else gets caught up in it. No wait, that is not right. I hope that everyone I know can get caught up in it and use that energy to its fullest.

Something perhaps tells me that those of you who read this have noticed the change. If you haven't been keeping up, just take a look at the length of the posts and how much more they say out in the open. Check out the bit of creativity that leaked out on 02.02.2001. Oh it has been a long time coming and it is going to be so good.

Going out with Daniel to grab a beer and check out some music tonight. Take care all, and Chuck, I will call.

• A lead into sex in public that turned into something unknown behind a curton, that turned into getting busted. All in a restaurant where I was having dinner. All in all, it turned out to be nothing really.
• A guy in a really bad 80's hat, doing a really bad 80's attempt at a dance.

Things that I heard last night:

• From a girl at the restauant to some guy: I am the nicest person. So nice, so nice. I think that that is my problem. That is what pisses me off.
  No, I am afraid it is your nievity that is your problem not you niceness.
• Bad "new dance" music.
• An even worse remix of Janet Jacksons's Nasty Boys

Not all that bad of an evening. There is talk about a mind blowing experience on Thursday, however.

No real profound thoughts today, just feeling tired and wonderful after a day well spent.

Words once released into the world no longer are owned by those who said them. They gain in a sense an imortality that is all their own. Something very different then how they were intended. But then again it is not that I wish for these ideas to become immortal that I post them here. What I really want is for people to laugh and think and enjoy life. If what I have to say can even encourage the slightest bit any of those feeling then it is good that I do so.

I have been taking some time to myself, not really thinking about all of the things that I normally do. Several days of intense introspection have taken their toll on my psyche. Probably by Sunday I will be in on it again and have something more to talk about in that reguard.

I wake up in the morning. I have a long list of shit that has to get done. That, and an even longer list of things to think about. I take a shower and hit the road. But there is peace in my life. I am not talking about the peace that comes from religion, or the peace that comes from not knowing just how bad things can get. I am talking about the peace that comes with the resignation that life is just that, life.

I have been amazingly fortunate as things go. I had a good family that cared about me a great deal. Not that my childhood was all bicycles and ice cream cones, just that they were there if I needed them. They bailed me out on more than one occasion. There are people who are not so lucky. There are people whose parents treat them like shit and take out all of their crap on them. I talked to one of those people tonight.

But it is not them who I have to thank the most for opening my eyes. It is myself. I chose to be. At any point during any of this I could have chosen not to. Even right now, I can choose to stop. I don't. I don't because I love all this stuff too much. There are too many people to talk to and too many things to see. Coffee is good. I like coffee. My advice, do something or get out. Stop bitching. Stop wasting the air that the trees see so fit to provide. Better life through the entropy of others.

What this has led me to realize is that there is a breakpoint in your evolution as an individual, a point where you make your decision. Are you going to continue to let life treat you like a pawn (which in fact you are in some sense), or are you going to realize yourself into better things. It really all comes down to a frame of reference. If you think that you are never happy because you believe happiness to be something greater than it actually is, then you will never see it. Standing in the midst of life you can sometimes miss that which is right before you.

So every day I stop and rest my mind. I let my position inside match up with my position outside. I can effect very little change in the world around me. I can effect large amounts of change in the way that I look at things. Happiness is not a state of mind, for that entails the wrong idea that a mind is something that can exist in multiple states. Happiness is an observation that life is what it is, something to be lived. Less obtusely, life exists without your observation of it and if you take the time to stop trying to be something, you will discover what you are.

So onward depressed and downtrodden individuals! I hope that some day you open your eyes, stop blaming life for you messed up state, and realize that you make the decision to be what you are. Just stay out of my way, I have as much living to do as time sees fit to grant me.

Begin ICQ Session
narf: (3:37 AM) do you know where to find full movies online to download????
takeru: (3:38 AM) you will probably want me to tell you where you can get 0dayz warez too?
narf: (3:39 AM) only if you want to!
narf: (3:39 AM) do you play playstation?
takeru: (3:40 AM) man i write video games for a living, it is lame ass people like you who take money out of my pocket. get a life, a job, and then throw away 10% of every dollar you make so some punk can play your dream... no thanks man
narf: (3:42 AM) hey fuck you smart ass you need to get a life , and a job. quit crying, if your gonna complain about what you do then change it dumbfuck!!!
takeru: (3:42 AM) is that all you have?
takeru: (3:42 AM) cmon you can do better than that...
takeru: (3:43 AM) i do indeed have a life... i do indeed have a job... i am not crying... of course i am also not randoming people looking to download movies
takeru: (3:43 AM) in terms of changing it? i will just have to write new ways to make games more difficult to copy. that and encourage people like you to support what you enjoy.
narf: (3:44 AM) got more where that came from but i dont have time for stupid ass people like you.............it was a ? fuckhead you dont have to be a dick
takeru: (3:44 AM) I was not being a dick. Remember, you are the one who decided to waste my time with your question. narf: (3:46 AM) i can copy anything out on the market you couldnt be smart enough to stop me!!! you shouldnt have answered it dumbass!!!haha
takeru: (3:48 AM) Wow... I totally underestimated you skills. I am so sorry. However, Mr. Pirate Man, if you have such awsome powers, why did you message me wondering where to get files. I mean with your skills you should have connections in the cracker and warez communities.
takeru: (3:48 AM) Oh wait... that's right... that is because you are a liar...
takeru: (3:48 AM) You probably wouldn't know recognize the names of the majority of tools, much less how to operate them...
narf: (3:50 AM) ok you re wasting my time ......electronic arts huh? havnt found one i couldnt rip yet .....sucker!
takeru: (3:51 AM) Really? That is astounding... I take it that you are ready to roll with copying those PS2 disks then? Moded PS2 already? Oh wait a man like you has a Test or a Tool by now. It has been interesting. Glad that I wasted some of your time with this.
takeru: (3:51 AM) Needed some amuzement for this evening.
narf: (3:52 AM) goodbye
End ICQ

Man I need some sleep.

Goodnight all...

On Solitude:
I know a whole lot of people who love their solitude. They look everywhere for it. This I don't understand. In a crowd I always am able to find solitude in my thoughts. I can turn the world off. But for me the thoughts that exist there are less real than the thoughts that I share with others. For example, these musings would be nothing if I didn't share them in some way. It is in our interactions with others that we become human. Otherwise, why would we be here?

Chuck writes me saying: Too much code is written with little or no feeling. Feeling is a strange thing to speak of when discussing a thing as logical as coding, but I think it is fair to say that good code is written by people who are really _feeling_ it. Its that magical moment when your internal vision of the program matches its external representation in the computer; the moment when you and the code are in sync. That moment, if you have the peace of mind to reach it, is the pinnacle of the art of programming.

I totally agree with this. The way I look at it is the zen state. I code because I can get to places when I am working on code that I just cannot reach when I am doing other things. For me, it is art. For me, it is an extension of my consiousness.

Ok, so here is an idea. If you are interested in participating in a blog (this here is a blog in case you didn't know) linked from this site, send me a mail. I'll set it up and link it in. Then there will be a forum for feedback and the like.

On Work -or- How the Hours Pass When You Are Away:
So twice in the last week I have achieved the zen state. I have gotten to that point in my work where I have essentially been elsewhere. I wish that I could post up here what I am working on but unfortunatly I cannot. All I can say is that it is good work, and that most people will not even notice what I have done. That is completely OK with me though. The important bit is what I feel when I am working. If you know what it feels like to be so completely in the zone that you are not even there then you know what I am saying. It is the syncronization that Charles mentioned. Almost like loosing yourself in the work so completely that you are able to make real anything in the realm of you imagination.

And that is why I write code.

• As a man gets older, so does his leer improve...
• The clothing of an individual as a walking advertisement. This like wrapped cars or mobile billboards. An activity done in hopes of finding people who share likes like yours. Why I love my penny-arcade shirt.
• Woman wearing a tie like a scarf. I trophy of a night well spent.
• People looking rediculous getting their groove on to Freebird.

Enough Murphy's. Bed time...

Interesting things for this evening:

• Jenny (sp?) bartendress at Ybor's on Church Street throwing a wadded up napkin at a customer. Due to bad aim or perhaps just unaccounted for air conditioning, she totally missed the person that she was aiming for and hit another unsuspecting customer. The look on her face was priceless.
• More leerers in training (men not old enough to leer sucessfully) than you can shake a stirring stick at.
• Clatter (sp?) ring. It is like a promise ring of some sort, but Irish in origin.
• Talked to a really nice lady who runs a buisness that cleans the playlands at McDonald's, Chick-fil-a, and the like. She gave me a web address but it doesn't seem to work. If she reads this maybe she will mail me and give me the correct address.
• The look of a dijected beer drinker at the bar as he failed to get even the slightest bit of acknowledgement from a bartendress.

So here is what made my night really cool. I met several people who were very interesting. I honestly can say that they really made my night. Now I know that they might be reading this page for the first time and they might get the wrong idea from this post. But, hey there, read more and you will see that this is quite normal. Interesting conversation with beautiful people always puts me in great spirits. What we had were two poli-sci students and a creative writing grad student. Lines of conversation included Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maitenance, paintball, meeting intersting people, the zen state as it relates to creativity, and many more. All I can really say is "Wow", and hope that these people don't consider me too wierd by this site and get in touch with me.

For Kate:
Goodnight house, goodnight mouse...

• Verbal acosting at a new level.
• I was told that I should look into taking Yoga. Maybe I will, so there.
• Caffene and Vodka, together at last.
• Girls who ask guys where their (the guy's) boyfriends are.
• Logistics of... uh... cannot read what I wrote down at this point.

Met some more really cool people. Most notable is a 9th and 10th grade English teacher from Daytona. This is where the acosting comment above comes from. It is nice to meet people who enjoy engaging in such wordplay.

Busy day ahead. I actually went out and bought groceries this morning. I am going to cook this week. I think that it will be great.

I am hoping that I figure out something to do at the end of this week. I promised myself, "No more late nights when I have to get up in the morning." This has effectivly put off all evening fun during the week. Perhaps that is not the best way to put it. What I am hoping for is a good reason to break my promise to myself. Anyone out there up the the chalenge?

The nose is healing up rather nicely and my head didn't hurt today like yesterday. It never ceases to amaze me how much abuse we can put ourselves through on a daily basis and not be in all that bad of shape all around.

For the sis:
Hang in there girl. No matter what happens you are loved from this side of the map.

For everyone else:
Stop taking the time to fight the natural flow of that which is inevitable. This is a silly waste of energy and distracts from all of the pretty things to see while you are being pulled relentlessly into the future.

Farscape DVD's are coming out.

So this brings me to think about the quick nature of information on the internet. You assemble enough people with slight slivers of time in one place, focus them on one topic and away they go. Something like distributed computing except with greater humor (I don't know, my computer is not that witty). If anyone can point me to similar phenomenon, I would welcome it. In fact "All your base" has begun to slip into my workplace in frightening amounts and degrees. Any new distractions like this would be great.

Interesting things said within earshot:

• I'm not wearing a watch so I don't have to go home.
• Remember to comment (code) evasively.
• On female bathroom grouping: Girls are more tribal... no, herd animals.
• Young boys are a joy. They are just so eager to please.

Now to catch my 4 hours of sleep .

Last night went to see a really cool band called Weszt. An interesting thing happened while the drummer took a bathroom break. A song with a line in the chorus saying, "Maybe I'll Go", was dedicated to the drummer. It took me a while to get it, but I was amused. So anyone in the Orlando are feel free to come and check them out on March 16th at Dante's.

I have decided to start working on a video project. I don't know exactly what I am going to do or how long it is going to take, but I will keep everyone in the loop on it.

Just kickin' it today. Gonna go hand out tonight for a bit.

I have decided that no more late nights for me when I have to get up the next day. It just cannot be. I have too much going on in the next week and a half to let myself get too tired like I did this week. Not that I am bitching at all. I have had a wonderful last couple of weeks and could not imagine having done anything else. Just that I have things that I need to and want to do and need my beauty sleep to do it well.

• Guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor. Too cool for words.
• The necessary social conventions of dancing.
• "I'm proud of my tounge."
• The faces people make at their friend's drunkenness.
• The look of genuine caring on a drunkard's face.
• "You can never save face on a shitty night."

That and my head was molested while I was dancing. That and I liked it.

Entering crunch time this week. Blah, long days. It is good that I love what I do and can zone into it. I can work for 10-12 hours and not be that wasted at the end of it all. Although those kinds of hours will probably be nothing compared to some that I will pull this week.

Looking forward to being past this milestone. Looking forward to some downtime.

Other than that I am rolling around in the back of my head several projects including a cartoon strip and a video project. Not sure where any of this will end up but things are beginnning to coelesce.