yotogi.net

So now we are up to several patches to make my machine stable and if that was not enough to really ruin my day, this morning was kinda shitty. While I was backing out of my parking spot, I lightly bumped this motercycle which was parked badly in the lot. I hit it perfect and bumped out the kickstand. The bike (a week old) went down. Fortunatly for me the owner was really cool, especially when I went to find him and give him my information so that I can pay him for the damage. Just a little paint scuf on the front fender and some scratches on the plastic on one of the turn signals.

But the day went well otherwise. Especially since I know that a friend of mine is not pissed off at me. Ah, friends.

Thanks to Krink for the Calvin and Hobbes and others. You rock.

I am currently listening to the posts at psychoexgirlfriend and it is really scary. The timestamps on these voicemails are correct and I really don't blame this guy for not calling this girl back. She is completly off her rocker. So what I would like is for people who would be interested in some conversation about this kind of behavior to mail me and I will post the relevent stuff here. C'mon people. I do not get but a couple of replies to my posts per month. I know that you out there (all of a couple of 10 or so) do read this. Reply to something damn it. The one question that comes to mind is if the guy called her back at all to tell her to stop calling? I certainly know that I would have called her up and said, "Listen, you are nuts. If you don't stop calling me I am going to call the police and tell them that you are absolutly off your rocker." But that is just the heartless me. I have learned that you cannot save the world. I can barely save myself.

I really feel bad about ditching out on my friends the last couple of weeks. I am beginning to feel better though. It is interesting, I was talking to my dad Sunday and he asked me if I were feeling alright. Aparently, he could tell that I was going through a funk. About two years ago I am certainly sure that he would not have been able to tell. It was really nice to have the parentals able to tell you that they are concerned about you without having to tell them that they have any reason to.

Boy this has turned into a really long post.

Came home to my machine still running the demos that I set in motion this morning. That is over 12 hours of 3-D game simming. Sounds like I have a solution. I am going to throw in my old board and give it a whirl tonight. If all goes well it is back to the shop with the new one.

To all my friends who have mailed me, I will mail you all soon.

Here is a link for all of you out there. It is funny, at least to me. Anyway, just gonna kick back tonight and relax. Take care out there in the real world.

I will get out more. I promise. Don't pester me. I am where I thoght I would be when I got here. I am complete.

Was listening to the wonderful musical stylings of Underworld tonight and thinking that it all sounded rather flat. Look over at the speaker which takes care of the lower range of the audio spectrum (some people call this a subwoofer, I call it my big black box of bass) and what do I see? A plug out of its socket in the wall. A thing without a proper home. How did this happen and why is it signifigant you might ask. Well, they installed a motion sensor light out in front of my apartment and had to do some wiring to do it. It looks like they came into my apartment and unplugged all of the stuff that was not on a surge protector. How nice of them. The sub is not on the surge protector because it has a nice little fuse all its own. Go technology. Now my music sounds nice and extra bassy. I am so glad no one lives below or beside me.

Makes me want to get off of my ass and get in gear with all of the projects that I have laying around. Perhaps if only I had something to run away from. This necessitates a story. When a long time girlfiend and I were being dumb and not coming to the realization that our relationship was over, there was a period of about 6 months where we were living together but not as together as we had been. This is to say that I encouraged her to get out and have fun without me, and I did everything in my power to be as busy as possible. It was during this time that I did my best work in school. I was out of the house so much that it was all I could do not to do well. Sad state of affairs in retrospect. Should have called it off or fixed the problem when I realized that things were going poorly, but alas, I was a dumbass.

Edited 04.18.01 2:25am: Also interesting to note that not long after this post, I get a mail from Brandi. Odd how the world works.

It is really funny making these posts at 12:00 or later. They show up on the next days posts. So I am talking about my Saturday, and it will look like I am talking about my Sunday. But do not be decieved by what the web page says. I am indeed talking about my Saturday, and I blame the Internet for all of the lies. Perhaps tonight sleep will come early. I am not about to get involved in any video games or anything that will make me to stay up late. Although that never stopped me before.

When I was getting ready to move out here. I called her to tell her all about the changes that were going on in my life. At this point she was living out in Californa getting on with her life. During the conversation, I picked up on something which really bothered me. I sensed a drastic change in the amount of caring that existed in our relationship. I am not saying that this is a bad thing. We had grown apart and all for the better. In fact, besides a moment of pathetic pleaing on my part, I believed the situation to be for the best. I assumed that I would not hear from her again. I knew for certain that I would not be the one to contact her. It hurt to have the realization that I did. It hurt and it was wonderful. I was completely free, and completely alone. Interesting the balance there.

Perhaps the funniest thing about my respose to her short mail was how much I wrote and then rewrote. Like I was very careful with what I had to say. I realized this stopped doing it. I told her all about the thoughts that I had rolling around curently, and what I thought about my move to Florida. We will see if she responds to what I wrote. I hope that she does, and I hope that life it treating her as well as it can. She is something very special and deserves everything.

All that aside, today was a good day. Tribes 2 is working and work is working too. I was busy all day with my own stuff and showing the new guy around. I am working on things that make the game shiney. I like shiney. I hear that Peter's laptop like things which are shiney. Mo always liked shiney things. Anyway... life is good. Take care all.

I have wondered on occation why I post things here. I think that I do it to keep from going crazy. Even before my move out here there were not many people that I could confide in. Not that I could not confide in them really, just that I couldn't stomach the idea of burdening anyone with my problems and complaints. So this thing here provided me everything that I needed. A place to write my thoughts completely out there in the open where people can read and (although occationally) respond to them. But I don't burdon anyone. You are reading this because you want to, or care. And that brings me comfort. I actually fear the day that I find someone who takes all of this out of me. Because then there will be my observations and no pressing need to put them here. Maybe that will make it only better.

Despite the nature of my reply to Brandi's e-mail I recieved a response to it today. What she has allowed me is the oportunity to revisit some ideas and revise them. Some highlights include this number:

"There is no dichotomy between that which is good and that which is bad. You may feel sad or angry or happy or anything. All of these feelings are just energy. Energy has no properties which make it any more applicable to one use or another. You can feed off of those emotions and do whatever you want to with them. You can let yourself close up because of pain, or you an take your sadness or your tiredness and use that energy to do great things. The choice is up to you."

And this take on myself and the limits of my ability:

"I have realized that I cannot save the world. Hell, I cannot even save another person. You told me this in your own way. You told me this when you said, "Just shut up. No advice. Just the moment." I have realized this and come to understand what you meant by it. I am dense some days and it takes me longer than it should."

And in response to her saying that I love my work:

"Loving is not the right word. Maybe it is though. The feeling is weird. I get up and go to the office. Sit in my cube, talk to my coworkers and when I sit down to write code, I am not even there. I am so immersed in what I am doing that I am somewhere else. Maybe this is euphoria at its fullest, except that I don't look back on it and thank some substance or anything like that. It is a pure experience. This is why I love to drive. This is why I love all of the things that I do. The love for it comes from an apreciation of another feeling that I get. One of not being there. An escapism maybe, but perhaps I am just closer to realizing that I am not really here at all. I guess that is what I am looking for anyway. I want the most pure experience that I can find."

And in a sense I am always listening. Sometimes to myself, more often to the person who doesn't realize that I am.

Do you ever have those moments where it all makes sense and you want to tell everyone about it. I am having one of those, but I don't think that I am going to put it up here. If I do that then I fear that I will not have anything new to say for a while. I would much rather forget about it, and rediscover it piece by piece. I will say that I understand that I am not here at all. That makes no sense but trust me when I say that it will when I am done exploring it completely. If you cannot wait send me an e-mail and we can talk about it.

And so I begin work on the Project.

Have you ever had one of those moments where amazing ideas come to you with such force and conviction that you cannot begin to understand them? Have you experienced the feeling of fear that accompanies such revelations, the fear that you might well loose the moment if you try to understand even the slightest aspect of them? That is what I woke up to today. Not woke up and drug my ass out of bed, but woke up in a much deeper sense. Let me try and relate this all to you, as it has started out so poorly.

I look at my hands. The certainly appear to be my own. I touch things, people. They react. The energy that I apply to the world comes back in some other way. Classical Mechanics will tell you all about this in mathematical equations. I want to tell you about it in an even more true way.

I look out of my own eyes. I experience the momentary and fleeting impressions of things that occurred so little time ago. Optics will explain such phenomenon: reflection, refraction, and absorption. There is much truth to these ideas, but the idea that I wand to share is more true than any of these.

I listen to motors, mumblings, music, a mosaic of sound, an amazing din of confusion. Something inside of me makes sense of these waves. I find things pleasing. Cognition will allow you to understand how my brain might do these things. There is much truth there, but so little.

The interface that I interact with tells me silently, subtly, all about what I am doing and all of the things that are being done to me. I can look closely and see an infinite quantity of interactions. I can look closer and see infinitely more. I can squint my eyes, trying to see the bottom and fail to do so. It is a vast sea that I float upon. Calm waters if I choose to look at them like that.

The universe is so interconnected that the idea that we are singular is ridiculous. The self is a lack of understanding of these connections. Cut someone off in traffic and their mood could cause them to get angry with a coworker. Say something nice to the person in the drive-thru and they might sleep better that night.

When you look at us and human animals we are complete singularly. When you look at us as human beings we are fundamentally incomplete. What makes us human is our ability to interact with other people in ways seemingly unique to the creatures that we know. This makes us, as humans, instrumental in making others human. And it is this instrumentality that an understanding of the interface allows us to seek.

But that is just it. How conscious I am of the interface determines its ability to influence me. As I sink deeper and deeper into it, my feet becoming wet, my toes wiggling in the waters, the more I understand the universe. In doing so, I stop being aware of any division between myself and that which surrounds me. My ego bleeds out into the currents making impressions of me as it goes. How long until there is none of this me left?

I draw comfort in the idea that although there is a finite amount of me to spread out in the waters, that which has left me is still part of me. The distance between one fragment and another does nothing to disturb the continuity of the whole. The density of the self is not a function like most. It is not concerned with the variables of space, but rather those of acceptance. It is through the sinking, the letting go, that you gain everything.

The interface is what draws me in. I live inside of its comforts and pains. Without it, all of these thoughts have no life, they exist in a vacuum of my understanding. The interface that we share allows me to tell you what it is that I am. It allows me the opportunity to give immortality to these words, to share a moment.

As daily I sink deeper into this idea, I get ever closer to living in the moment. The first time that I really looked back on living in the moment, I saw that during the time spent there, I was not really there at all.

The moment has no duration, the present no time. There is past and there is future. The moment exists in the lack of space between the two. In order to be in the moment you have to abandon yourself.

Everyone who has ever loved has existed in the moment. Think about what you truly love to do. Are you there when you are doing it, or perhaps are you somewhere else? I love to drive. I love to write code. When I am doing these things I am not really doing them at all.

My love for them is an appreciation for the feeling, the impression that they leave me with. This impression is not love. This feeling has no description, as it has no duration. And as time approaches the moment, the space that you exist in becomes nothing and your ability to stir the waters, infinite.

One disagrees with what I have to say. Amy tells Krink, "I know when I'm doing something that I absolutely love, that's when I'm feeling the most alive. My body is energized and so is my mind -- there is nothing about me "watching from the outside" or whatever." Funny thing is that we are always seeing what we have done from the outside. At least that is one way to look at it. When we look at what we have done, that is look at our actions in the past, we are looking at them from the outside. I think that we are, for the most part, always just a step ahead of what we have thought and are therefore always looking in from the outside.

Clay counters my little piece by saying that it "reads like a bad combination of bad taoism and mediocre cyberpunk." Yikes!! In addition, for him the piece struck him as "I had an epiphany, see how deep I am now..." He claims that I "wasn't really explaining anything", and I thank him for all of his criticism. I never mean for what I write to come across poorly, especially to someone who can notice the Taoist roots of my world-view. So now it is back to the drawing board. I am going to write Mr. Clay and hopefully open a dialog. Anyone who wants to help is more than welcome to.

Of course in my own defense, the reason that I posted something so incomplete is to get it out there and encourage me to fix the damn thing. I am hoping to turn this idea into something a little more concrete and my Peter-san is considering a little colaboration to give this idea another medium. Thanks for the feedback people.

Edited 04.22.01 7:33pm: link to page removed as the site is up.

but all that aside it was a wonderful weekend of no work and web work. i guess this might be the last real weekend off that i have before all of the crunch begins. alpha is coming up and i really cannot wait. although it will be more work than ever, we will be feature complete going in. that means nothing but bugs (or as dr. page always said, defects) to take care of. some of the stuff that i am working on will be shown at E3 and that makes me really excited and nervous. those features not only have to be solid, they have to be polished into a shiny state. oh well that is for work and all.

so next week i will be revisiting my work in progress project. i am really excited about this despite the mixed and non-response that I have received on it. well... time to sign off. goodnight all.

i just realized how far all of my friends are from me and from each other. i wish i owned an island. that would rule. sleepy time.

what i can say with a clean consence is that i am lucky. the fates appear to like me since i am pretty damn lucky. as isamu once said, "luck is one of my many skills." so i tend to think about how lucky i have been to be where i am. thank you to all of you who have inspired, set the bar higher, and drug me down. i don't expect any of you to do these things, but i wouldn't feel right if i let them go without comment. without you i certainly would not love all of this living nearly as much as i do...

feedback land...
when i ask for feedback it certainly comes pouring in. i think that the format of what i am writing here will slowly change. i like talking about things that i am thinking. people have said that i have gotten better at this whole weblog thing since i started. i like to think so. i don't disavow anything that exists in the archives and i have never once deleted a single post. so there is a new link going up on the linked lists called discussions this is where i am going to post all of the discussions that are started because of feedback from people who write to me. thanks guys, you have wonderful minds and souls.

on that note i am off to add the new page and get margaret's thread on islands started. after that a nice walk to the store for more smokes and some cartoons before bed. peter-san, i will get to your thoughts tomorrow and get some revisions in on work in progress. that i promise you.

after that the bed moved several times into and out of the dorms and several apartments. then i got my current bed, which is wonderful (sorry mom). the bed went to robert where it stayed for a time until he left norman. goldbug gets the bed next and she hangs onto it for a year or so. now i find out that margaret is getting the bed. funny how things like that travel between friends. totally forgot about that bed years ago and find out that it is still around.

linkland insomnia
check out the like to things better left unsaid it is an anti-journal that i am going to participate in.
discussion putters on at krink's site about work in progress. see the discussion for the post on 04.20.01.

update to work in progress as promised. made some improvements to it. think that the ideas are coming together. thanks to peter-san for the support and chuck for the critique.

ideas from peter-san
"you're talking about a conscious, deliberate abandonment of the Model as the ultimate goal of human civilization, the liberation of the conscious mind from the constraints of translating information while processing it."

yes, that is what i am talking about more or less. i think that the idea of a conscious and deliberate abandonment of a model which is defined by an understanding of the self, a paradox. the conscious abandoning of the couscousness is not the way i think. i would venture to say that it is just something that happens. a break from trying so damn hard and just letting go. but you are certainly dead on when you talk about freeing the mind from the translation duties and moving on to the understanding role that it was made for. comfort in the body and comfort in the mind.

online writing and the mistake that it might be bitching
the back and forth on krink's site has reached a point where i need to make a comment. i can understand how someone reading something like my page or any on-line journal might see this forum as bitching or whining or exhibitionist. clay claims (in the discussion of this post) how he feels that "trying to put your deepest emotional feelings online is rather base. Personally, I think it cheapens it, makes it into a display. It turns us all into voyeurs, and your feelings into a performance." i think that this is a completly understandable idea. i certainly don't agree with what he thinks, but i understand where he is coming from. if i would not go ahead and tell you the same things that i post here in person, then i would be hiding behind the medium. but even if i don't know you and you wanted to talk to me about these things i would tell you. there is nothing that i say here that i would not say anywhere else. and the real difference is that you choose to read this, just as you would choose to talk to me. if you feel like clay, feel free to never visit again, but at least try and understand where i am coming from.

thursday link madness
are you a pusher or a shover? maybe you have bread shoved down your throat. strangeness inside. pointed toward by pwd.
although in chinese, i got a little kick out of these antics. and no, you don't have to install the language plug-in. thanks schnugins.

how sometimes a little reasuring is the last thing you need
i went out on friday with some friends from work. just a little place not far from my apartment where there are pool tables and cheap beer. and lo and behold there is a very pretty waitress working at said bar which makes for some good distraction when the conversation is slow and the pool table is in use by some other players in the group. despite all my reservations about aproaching people in a bar setting (meat market and all) and especially people in their workplace, i set out to start a short conversation with the pretty beer goddess.

come to find out that she is a grad student in english and a really interesting conversationalist to boot, in as much as i could tell in the very short span of the snippets that we talked. i told her that i would give her my number so that we could go and grab coffee sometime to really talk. this seemed the best thing that i could do, i didn't want to come off as one of the many people who i am sure try to get her number in the course of an evening. suprising to me, and to her to some degree, she gave me her number as well.

so this little bit of reassurance in terms of my atractiveness (mental and physical) was wonderful. an amazing boost to my confidence, and at the same time something much less pleasant. it made me to realize just how alone i am most of the time. what i mean to talk about here is not some pity trip, but rather a brief bit on how you can avoid the things in your life that you are not happy with as long as you are not reminded of them. talking to this beautiful person made me to realize how few beautiful people i have in my life and how much i seek just that. i am a happy individual, but i want to be a happy human. my solution to the current situation: eyes, ears open and patence.

how about you people? ever had the realization that something is lacking in your life because of a wonderful experience? a double-edged understanding maybe? spill it.