yotogi.net

the mysterious providence of a phrase -or- sometime it is the smallest unintentional thing that matters most
a good friend kristen writes to me to tell me what she thinks about a trend in what i am writing and, in general, where my like is going. The analogy she spins goes like this: "It is kind of like making a list of bills to pay and a corresponding budget for the upcoming months so you can feel more confident about being able to pay them off. In the end, you are where you were when you began writing your budget. You may feel a sense of accomplishment, but you haven't really taken steps to appease your situation, have you?" You know what? she is absolutly right. thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. i really have not been balenced as of late. i am quick to retreat into the comfort of my ideas. i need more experience and i need to stop being so damn wimpy about it.

has someone ever come to you and said the exact right thing even if they didn't intend it? maybe a passing word or phrase that changed your outlook or just your day for the better?

what do you think about the providence of life and its strange cycles. people come and go and end up together again. multiple passes to get things right.

day 4 of crunch was good. i will make it. all it will take is a little more work.

day 6 of crunch. work is coming along nicely. i am feeling a bit of pressure as milestone gets closer. especially since some of the stuff that i am working on will be on display at E3. life is good though. back into perspective.

i have decided upon a name for the cat who lives with me. i think that i will call her rei. i would say that it is her name, but i do not think that you really can name cats. they have a personality all their own and you just choose a name so that you don't feel like an idiot when you talk about them. rei is learning how to be indoor outdoor now. there are several other friendly cats in the area so i think that she will like it just fine. i was going to let her out this morning, but she didn't seem all that interested. she is out now, and i will try to get her back in before bed. maybe she will learn to poop on the outside, then i wouldn't have to clean the litterbox and that would just rock.

an analogy of my state of being -or- internal combustion for anyone
i like the team "running hot" for what i have been doing lately. it kinda goes like this. in an internal combustion engine, like the one in any automobile or lawnmower, rotational energy if created by converting a linear motion of the pistons. this linear motion is created by generating a controlled explosion that drives the pistons in the engine down away from the cylinder head. in order to get more energy from this explosion, you can adjust the fuel to air mixture. in an ideal mixture, the burn is complete, and a very powerful explosion can be generated. The concequence of a more complete burn is more heat. this heat can lead to the deterioration of the oil in the engine and the components as well. When an engine is running like this it is said to be "running hot".

when i am crunching like i am now, i am running very hot. i can do this for some time (sometimes months) but it is a very costly way of operating. for the last three days i have really been pushing myself to my limits. it feels really good to get so much stuff done, but it is taking its toll on me in many ways. i will survive, but i felt the need to explain how my brain feels right now.

a quick grip on intention -or- don't tell me you will call and then not...
i was talking to a guy last night about the state of my interactions with a girl. how she gave me her number without me asking for it and how flattering that was. about how we talked on the phone and it seemed like everything was pretty cool. about how she said that she would call on several occations and alas has not. we talked about the game and how people don't like to reject others. instead they let them get their hopes up that there might be something there when in fact there is not. so we take a quick survey of the one girl standing near us. we ask her if she would do something like this and she says that she already, that night had given someone a fake number. talk about chance. be honest people, save others the wasted thought if you are not interested.

what about you? ever given someone the fake number? ever led someone along believing that you would call them? spill it.

now i lay me down to sleep,
i pray the fates my luck to keep,
and if luck leave before i wake
i pray the fates a cake to make.

unfortunatly with the overall drain on my psyche, i am at a loss for anything signifigant to put here. it will come again, just give me a little while. and to all of you who have outstanding mail with me, just wait, i am on it.

so today i did something really silly and fulfilled a small dream. i am going to hold out until i can give a more complete presentation but surfice to say that 4 circles are involved as is much sun and wind and then there is that thing with the the number 225 and a double letter toward the end of the alphabet.

time for a reflective personal moment. i slept like shit last week. i have been feeling really guilty about making the purchase of my new car. it is a whole lot. i have gotten comments ranging from "you know that you are going to yuppie hell..." to "you rich kids make me sick." while these comments were made in good fun and were not intended as insult, they still reflected my own thoughts about what i had done. everyone i know tells me that i am being a bit silly about my feelings. they keep telling me that it is one of the only times in my life when i will be able to do something like this. i know that this is the case, but i still feel like i have perhaps done something silly...

and an obligitory veiled comment: "of course we can all just dance, but don't expect me to be completely happy with an outcome as a result of a situation that i have not encouraged or agree with..."

gave my dad a little talking to today. you see, he failed to call me back on a couple of occations over the last few days. it is always interesting when you can participate in a little role reversal for the hell of it. of course all of the grief that i gave him was in jest, but it was thought provoking all the same. what if we all, at least once a week or so, did something like this. for example, a police officer pulls you over and when you he asks "Do you know how fast you were going?", you reply with "Do you know how fast YOU were going?" of course if this lands your ass in jail, pass the blame to someone else.