shaking fist in anger...
to the spammer who is using my e-mail address as the return for your crappy spam, i hope that there is a special kind of hell for you for filling my inbox with bounced e-mail messages.
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ok, it has been too long. and been much too long since i was using this as a device for keeping my head on straight as well as communicate with the vastly spread out network of friends i have from my stays in various places in texas and oklahoma.
what brings this return on, one might ask. well, work has me stressed out in a way that is new and exciting to me. i have known since i started working for EA that we are a company that makes a lot of money making games. but being in florida, far away from the corporate life in cali, i was able to believe us a rebel studio that did things our way and found success in it. i don't believe that anymore.
i used to believe the corporate line about being the number one people company for high achievers and teams (yes, that is a corporate goal) but i don't really have a hard time believing that anymore. i have seen too many things that leave a bad taste in my mouth, and it is not the things themselves that bother me so much, but the spin that is placed on them.
a couple of months ago, i figured that i would be in florida for a while yet. now i am not sure. 2 years ago, i wouldn't have hesitated to jump at an opportunity, no matter when it would take me or without much regard for the risk. things are different now. i know that i would be supported in any decision that is made no matter where that takes us, but i find myself torn between two situations.
on one hand, i know my studio. i know how things work and i am certain that i can navigate the political structure and do good work, both for myself and for the company. i have to say that the idea of having to hold my tongue makes me feel like i have an ulcer, and i have to hold my tongue more and more these days.
on the other hand are a number of unknowns and a long road to get there. let's say i switch jobs to a small studio, what happens then? what happens if they go belly-up? will i fit in? will i be able to perform at the level they expect from me? these are questions that cause me to doubt myself, which is not something i like doing. in addition, there is all of the practical side of a transition. selling the house, moving, and a chance that melissa will not like it where we end up, very far away from the place she has lived her whole life, far away from her family.
so my brain is crunching and i have given myself a stomach ache that is dull and persistent, and when it all comes down to it, what i am wondering about more than anything is my future with EA. is it something that will make me happy, or is it something that i need to get away from.
time will tell...
it is interesting to come in the office (or to still be in the office more accurately) at night after almost everyone has left. the place is very quiet, and appreciably cooler than during the day. this is due in no small part to the amount of equipment that obidently goes to sleep, like its operator, for the night. i waver in these nightime hours between incredibly productive and distracted by the lack of distractions. alas, i get a ton of work done all the same at night.
learning some of the things necessary to complete the current task i am working on at work has done quite a bit to calm my nerves about being unprepared for changes in my job. despite the fact that i am working on a good deal of code that is quite foreign to me, i am figuring it out rather quickly and making progress (still behind for the milestone, but in good shape). a long week this week and next should leave me in a position not to explode. which is a nice change.
and i was quite serious about trying to write more. posting to this forum is a thereputic experience for me, that and i miss the people in my mind that read it.
these are crazy days with my mind wondering (worrying?) about the future and just how i intend to implement a color quanitization algorithm.
there are a number of bathrooms in the office building that i work in, 12 in fact. 24 if you count male and female seperately. over the last year or so, they have been "upgrading" the bathrooms in what i believe is an attempt to make the facility more attractive to new tennets. i guess you have to have something going for you since the floorplan will make you mad trying to figure out how to work in the space.
so i am in one of the "nice" bathrooms on my way out to grab a smoke. needless to say that they have not upgraded the bathrooms near any of our suites, but i digress. on my way in i notice a man getting ready to dry his hands. one, two, three, four, five towels he pulls out of the despenser. i wash my hands ever time i am in the bathroom and i need a total of 2 towels to achieve full driness. this man certainly didn't need five. and it got me to wondering how much else of his life is an exercise in waste.
i try not to waste anything, especially time. melissa noticed (after over a year together) that i don't ever idle. i am always doing something. she says i need to relax. i say if i don't keep moving, i might stop forever.
all that being said, the thing that i like least about the "nice" bathrooms is the automatic soap dispensors that don't quite dispense enough soap in one pass. but i digress.
having just finished an interview of this type, i have to say that it can be a little overwelming. i was unsure on some of my answers, sure about others and left not knowing at all how it went. fortunatly, in the next 24-48 hours (it is always 24-48 hours) i will know if i did well, or if i managed to land flat on my face. given the studio that i talked to, i can honestly say that i have absolutly no idea.
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