ok, it has been too long. and been much too long since i was using this as a device for keeping my head on straight as well as communicate with the vastly spread out network of friends i have from my stays in various places in texas and oklahoma.
what brings this return on, one might ask. well, work has me stressed out in a way that is new and exciting to me. i have known since i started working for EA that we are a company that makes a lot of money making games. but being in florida, far away from the corporate life in cali, i was able to believe us a rebel studio that did things our way and found success in it. i don't believe that anymore.
i used to believe the corporate line about being the number one people company for high achievers and teams (yes, that is a corporate goal) but i don't really have a hard time believing that anymore. i have seen too many things that leave a bad taste in my mouth, and it is not the things themselves that bother me so much, but the spin that is placed on them.
a couple of months ago, i figured that i would be in florida for a while yet. now i am not sure. 2 years ago, i wouldn't have hesitated to jump at an opportunity, no matter when it would take me or without much regard for the risk. things are different now. i know that i would be supported in any decision that is made no matter where that takes us, but i find myself torn between two situations.
on one hand, i know my studio. i know how things work and i am certain that i can navigate the political structure and do good work, both for myself and for the company. i have to say that the idea of having to hold my tongue makes me feel like i have an ulcer, and i have to hold my tongue more and more these days.
on the other hand are a number of unknowns and a long road to get there. let's say i switch jobs to a small studio, what happens then? what happens if they go belly-up? will i fit in? will i be able to perform at the level they expect from me? these are questions that cause me to doubt myself, which is not something i like doing. in addition, there is all of the practical side of a transition. selling the house, moving, and a chance that melissa will not like it where we end up, very far away from the place she has lived her whole life, far away from her family.
so my brain is crunching and i have given myself a stomach ache that is dull and persistent, and when it all comes down to it, what i am wondering about more than anything is my future with EA. is it something that will make me happy, or is it something that i need to get away from.
time will tell...