sans-category Archives

September 3, 2000


Joy: "He talks about his car more than his girlfriend."
Janke: "That's probably because he probably works on the car more."


Posted the link to the camera in my home. Please feel free to check it out and see if I am at home.

EDIT: dead link removed.


"Wish that I could shake this static every time I try to sleep..."

September 4, 2000


Wheels within wheels... unfortunately the story is much more complex than anyone would like it to be.


"You would never say anything to knowingly decieve me?"
"Then I guess I understand the situation better with everything you say."
"Don't overanalyze things."
"No expectations. No expectations."

September 5, 2000

wishing for a friend...

11 days and counting (trying to be optimistic), keep Pilot company for me (damn I love that bear), damn I wish that you were awake/paying attention to this/willing to respond to this.

So today I took a

So today I took a lesson in relaxation. Of course, that meant that I fell dead asleep in one of my classes (the hard one). But I did take the time to read Sinfest which contained some pretty funny shit.

Norman caught on fire last night. I haven't taken the time to get the pictures and video we took up but perhaps I will soon. If the mood strikes me. Probably not.

"All my friend have flowers in their eyes / but I got none this season"

September 7, 2000

Sleep is for the weak,

Sleep is for the weak, and I am the weak one as is evident by my behavior tonight.

September 8, 2000


"With all the things I'm loosing / I might as well resign myself and try to make a change..."

September 11, 2000

So someone tells me that

So someone tells me that he likes my page, but most of the stuff here doesn't make any sense because of a lack of context...

So I tells him that there is a lack of context because if I were to give a context then I would have to involve other people who might not want me talking about those situations that involve them. It is by virtue of the vaugeness that I can post anything at all.

Hopefully, I will be able to give more context in the future, if the situations that I am in become less complicated that is.

September 13, 2000

My good friend (little brother?)

My good friend (little brother?) came up to visit last weekend, and boy was it a feast of game madness. I am going down to Dallas this weekend to go and see Dave Mathews with the sister. While I am down there I should be picking up a couple or three new pieces of art by Bob Rohm who, dispite to his web page, is quite the artist. I will be posting pictures when I have the chance.

In more complicated matters, I am not sure what is going on. Not that that should suprise me or anyone else who knows me. Something was said about my ego catching up with me and getting pissed off at being situational. I think that this might be happening. Oh well, what can one do.

Finished up Tales of Pirx the Pilot by Stanislaw Lem yesterday (more info). Am almost through Ubik by Philip K. Dick right now (author stuff). When I read, I guess I really get up in it.

My new favorite rap artist

My new favorite rap artist has a great web site. Se sure to check out the audio that is there. It is some dope ass shit...

September 20, 2000

Been a week... yikes... My

Been a week... yikes...

My ego has caught up with me, refusing to be situational. That is nice. I missed my ego.

Had a blast at the Dave Mathews Band show. Interesting tidbit. All over the arean (Starplex in Dallas) there were signs that read "Recording of the Dave Mathews Band is permitted in all areas". PERMITTED?!? What is up with that? Cool and all I know, but man.

Been reading GPF. I like the story and the idea that the characters actually change over the course of the comic.

September 21, 2000

Our light is off and

Our light is off and it is dark, which makes us afraid.

Matt: I couldn't meet with

Matt: I couldn't meet with the people in my MIS group this week because they were at the Career Fair for two days.
Aaron: Not like it is going to do them any good anyway.
Matt: You are getting more cynical by the day. You are going to be worse than me soon and that is bad.
Aaron: What do you mean? About them getting a job? I wasn't being cynical, I was being realistic.

October 6, 2000

Wooohooo... domain name is finally

Wooohooo... domain name is finally working.

Cass: Yeah, I really hated

Cass: Yeah, I really hated living in Florida. It was summer all year. And sometimes it was Fall.

October 8, 2000

When working out an idea

When working out an idea for an advertising campaign to get females interested in math...

"If you work with numbers, he'll want to work you." Aminda Warburton

So I guess that it

So I guess that it is time for the big status update. Not that I am imagining that anyone actually reads any of this, but sometimes it helps.

Was walking to get some coffee and get some of that pesky homework done. On the side of the road there was this beer bottle. This should strike me as no suprise, except that instead of a Budwiser bottle or something, it is an empty of Asahi, a fine Japanese beer. Kinda makes you wonder.

Of all of the things that I have control over in my life (read very small amound), I have to say that I am 90% happy with the way things are going right now. All of the rest of that stuff is what is making me to be a nice shade of gray.

Learning DirectX so that I can get to work on a nice little video game. Several really interesting bits of technology. I have to say that I am really happy with the API as a whole.

Bought a new controller for my RC car today. Not that this is a very interesting tidbit or anything.

Right now I am really wondering what is up...

October 10, 2000

The guy who writes the

The guy who writes the comic When I Grow Up. Lives in Norman. See if you can catch his location references.

October 13, 2000

So Jill says the funniest

So Jill says the funniest thing to me the other night, but she will not let me post it.

October 16, 2000

It is most certainly interesting

It is most certainly interesting to hear how people's voices can say different things within what they are saying. Sometimes it is how things are said more than what is actually said that is of any interest.

October 30, 2000

Thank the fates for OU

Thank the fates for OU football. It is because of the revenues that some of the places make on game days that allows them to stay open so that I can enjoy them year around.

So this friend of mine

So this friend of mine is jumping my case as I write this to tell me that I don't update this easy-to-update page often enough. Times have been particularly trying lately. Work is good, and school is good and personal stuff is... well you know... personal stuff. But I did talk to a friend this last week and she was wearing a smile for the first time in quite a while and that made me happy.

All I can really say is that school is all well and good until you start interviewing and looking into work after graduation. Then the thought enters your head like, "Well, all of these companies are interested in me, what is it that is so important that I am going to learn in a year that makes me that much better than I am right now?” Then it is all downhill. "Senioritis" sets in and apathy becomes you best friend.

And a post would not be a post without saying that my "little" sister (she is 20 now... yikes!!) rocks the preverbal Kasbah. Yeah on the calculator and the camera. You rock, Jacque.

Good luck pops on the job hunt. Peace...

October 31, 2000

Kelly: But I like polyester...

Kelly: But I like polyester...

November 5, 2000

So the Microsoft interview went

So the Microsoft interview went something in the neighborhood of 80%. Now I rest in waiting hell...

No sleep last night.... a little punchy....

November 13, 2000

OK, big status update... Sill

OK, big status update...

Sill in the holding pattern for Microsoft. I know the letters are being sent but I have not received mine. Funny thing, you would think that to be a good thing, right? Normally the letters that come out are the letters that say that you do not have the job, but the one that I know that has arrived is saying that they want another interview. Shitsticks. Not that I can afford to be all worried with what is up next...

So I sent my resume to Electronic Arts on a whim. Funny thing is they actually replied to me with this little exam. After completing the 4 questions in the requisite 72 hours and sent it to them. So I get the call saying that they recieved my mail and that they are forwarding it on. Monday afternoon I get a call to scedule a phone interview for that Thursday. 40 minutes on the phone and I am waiting for a callback to see if they want to fly me out for a second interview. 24 hours later I am on the phone telling them that flying out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving would be great. Now I contemplate if I should cut my orange hair out. It is imprtant enough to cosider it for sure. Think that I am going to call one of the devs and figure it out.

Work is good, school is trying to kill me. Major project, group project due next week. No sleep for Aaron this week if he can absolutly help it. Must be nice and sleep deprived for the trip to Florida.

November 15, 2000

Got my letter from Microsoft

Got my letter from Microsoft today and they want me to come up for a second interview. I can hardly wait. It should be a short trip but an exciting one none the less.

Hair stays in. Yeah!!

Sleep is for the weak as I have said before. I am trying to keep up on mine but really to no avail for the most part. It is kind of interesting though. The database project is coming along and I am hoping to have it done by the end of the week. That will give me a couple of days to get nice and rested before my interview with EA.

Found out also that I can complete my degree even if I end up in Florida in the spring. Cool. It is good to have options.

Got my letter from Microsoft

Got my letter from Microsoft today and they want me to come up for a second interview. I can hardly wait. It should be a short trip but an exciting one none the less.

Hair stays in. Yeah!!

Sleep is for the weak as I have said before. I am trying to keep up on mine but really to no avail for the most part. It is kind of interesting though. The database project is coming along and I am hoping to have it done by the end of the week. That will give me a couple of days to get nice and rested before my interview with EA.

Found out also that I can complete my degree even if I end up in Florida in the spring. Cool. It is good to have options.

November 16, 2000

Sleep dep is starting to

Sleep dep is starting to set in. Will probably be Sunday night when I give up on making any further progress on the project before any comes.

November 17, 2000

Still waiting to hear back

Still waiting to hear back again from Microsoft as to when I travel up there. Patently awaiting the interview with EA. Recieved an offer from Verizon. Here is the skinny:
  • (edited) Plenty of money.
  • (edited) Signing bonus.
  • 5% of base salary for relocation.
  • Full health, dental, and life insurance.
  • Educational assistance for continuing education.
  • 401K with matching up the 6% of salary.
  • All kinds of opertunity bonuses and raises.

It is really too bad that I am more than likely going to turn them down. It is really a fine package even if I would like to get some more dollars out to it.

Oh, good gravy check out this link to the Final Fantasy Movie Trainer. It made me make a mess of myself. Remember that you can right-click on the link and save that bad boy so that you can view it in all of the fullscreen glory it deserves.

Slept really well last night thanks to the hard work of my great friend Christy. Her skilled hands and endurance at working the knots out of my back allowed for one of the most wonderful nights sleep I have had in a really long time. Nearing completion on the Database project. There may be some weekend in store for me yet.

Props go out to my

Props go out to my friend Kat. She is one funny biatch...

November 18, 2000

Man, talk about disturbing. I

Man, talk about disturbing. I was reading our wonderful school paper (note apearant sarcasm as denoted by italics), and there is this really disturbing article about U-Sing. Now U-Sing is a campus function where organizations, predominatly greek get together and work really hard at singing so that they can perform and win a prize.

Now for the disturbing part (as if that wasn't enough). The following is quoted from the Oklahoma Daily and appeared in this article:

Members of Pi Beta Phi and Pi Kappa Phi have been working almost as long, Barrett Keith, international business freshman, said. Keith plays an out of place Waldo in their act.

"Out theme is Barbie and Ken," said University College freshman Meredith Jones, who plays Barbie. "But, Waldo shows up at our party as an outcast, and it is our job to change him into like the Kens that are there. "

"... into like the Kens...". Man that is too much. I thought that I was perhaps wrong about the greek system at my school being about the conformity, the cloning if you would. I figured that there was something else in addition to all of the trends of fashion and behavior. Guess I was proved wrong. Man...

November 20, 2000

OK, more personal shit. Heading

OK, more personal shit. Heading to Florida for the Big Interview. Man... man... not really sure what to say. Of course no sleep last night only agrivates things. Fuckin' migranes.

November 22, 2000

Watch your dosages of psudoephedrine...

Watch your dosages of psudoephedrine... uhhh...

EA offered. I bit. Florida mid-January.

November 23, 2000

Just a quick little note

Just a quick little note to wish you and yours a happy Turkey day.

This year, as every year, I have a whole metric ass-load to be thankful for. My health is good, my mind and spirit are healthy. Some of my dreams have been realized and others are closer to that day. What I can only hope is that your spirit is well and your hopes are high. Keep up all of your hard work, I believe in you.

OK, enough of that. Funny thing that I saw on my way back from Orlando. The no-smoking/fasten seatbelt sign that was over one of the seats in the plane was upside down. Do you have any idea how funny smoke looks falling instead of raising?

On the tram at the airport there was a sign that said "No food, drink, or smoking" what has happened here when we have rules saying that we cannot have drinks on a 30 second terminal tram ride. In the home of the free the only thing that we can hope is that we don't continue to remove those freedoms.

December 11, 2000

Too busy. Working a site

Too busy. Working a site update... new look en route.

December 19, 2000

OK... site in hosted out

OK... site in hosted out there now... good... all email sent to gets to me. That is the new one. Run with it.

December 24, 2000

Happy Holidays! From Austin!! Heh...

Happy Holidays! From Austin!! Heh...

January 2, 2001

New site design. Hope that

New site design. Hope that you all enjoy.

test two post days... blogger

test two post days... blogger slow... grrr...

January 3, 2001

OK, so after a long

OK, so after a long evening of fighting with blogger, I finally got this site up and running well. I love this technology and how it allows me to keep anything like an updated web page up and running. I would complain about the speed of the servers at times, but I will hold off until I get my donation to the server fund in.

There are no images or sounds or movies up in the media space yet. I will get to that over the next couple of weeks. Yeah, just what the internet needs, pictures of my ugly mug .

Went to really great place tonight called the Baltic Room to listen to some drum and bass and have a couple of pints to finish off the vacation. Really classy place with a great (make that fucking great) atmosphere. Managed to get an ashtray so that I can remember the place for years to come.

Head home tomorrow. It has been a great vacation and I am really ready to get into all of the things that the next year will bring me. New Year's Resolutions? Not really. But maybe one that will count as one is to get better at being myself. There are so many times that we all act like someone we are not. Whether that be to impress or to court or to make ourselves feel better, I think that to do that is to perform a most grave injustice against one's self. Changes can be made without forcing them to come by faking it for all those years.

Oh yeah, forgot this quote:

Oh yeah, forgot this quote:

Charles: So in my next life I want to come back as a pretty girl...

Everything is so much better taken out of context. Here is to more of that in the new year!! Cheers...

January 6, 2001

Observations from Sea-Tac Seattle-Tacoma International

Observations from Sea-Tac

Seattle-Tacoma International Airport is adding a third runway to accomidate for bad weather. In doing so they are going to reclaim about 13 acres of wetlands and 23 acres of non-wetlands. During the expansion they will be cleaning up a great deal of damage already done to the ecosystem surounding the airport. Damage that existed before the airport was there. Nice to see that sometimes development can indeed go hand-in-hand with environmental concerns.

While walking through the airport I came across a guy trying to raise money for what I believe to be a segment of the democratic party backed by Lyndon H. LaRouche Jr. In exchange for $10 I recieved a book and several small publications outlining the tenents of the group. The gentleman doing the recrouting wished for me to give more money, but I held fast with my offer of $10 for more information. Some of what he said had realistic grounds. Some of it was a bit over the top. I intend to read the book and post more when I have more infomation.

Observations on the Economy (stirred by the LaRouche guy in Sea-Tac)

No doubt are there concerns about the economy as we move to a new president. The media are calling it a downturn in the stock market. I am calling in a recentering. The overvaluation of stocks (especially tech stocks and dot-coms) led to a completely unrealistic market.

As I discussed with several of my friends, with the information we have about the changes to the technology market we ought to be able to predict general trends without any difficulty. However, with all of the speculation money in the market, companies that should have showed increases in stock prices due to normal raises in earning and introductions of new technologies showed little movement.

My completely naive advise is to relax, don't panic, and remember that those dollars are not really worth anything when you think about it.

January 11, 2001

Back from a wonderful trip

Back from a wonderful trip to Colorado. Now on to the packing and the moving and the crazy...

Recent Quote:

Diana: You go ahead and be right, I'll be satisfied.

January 15, 2001

Radio Shack is so cool...

Radio Shack is so cool... I was able to update my page from one.

Florida is great. I cannot even begin to tell you about the weather here. Found a place today. I will have pics and such when I get hooked up.

Shouldn't stay on here too long the Radio Shackians might get all upity.

January 22, 2001

First day of work. I

First day of work. I will be making all of the changes to my web page once I am hooked up with the phat pipe on Saturday. Until then some observations.

Loving the new job. Have myself a nice little cube and that is fine by me. I cannot help but be impressed by the resources that are here in terms of both staff and hardware. The people that I have met seem really nice, or at least nice enough. It is certainly true what they say about coders in general though. There are more game addicts here than you can shake a larger-than-life stick at.

Today's Quote:
Jason on EQ: You just can't play two nights a week...


January 23, 2001

Today's Lesson: Confidentiality. An important

Today's Lesson: Confidentiality. An important discussion on what is appropriate to discuss. Good things to know since I intend to keep my job.

Been playing a load of FF9. What a great game. Since I was not all that impressed with FF8 it is really good to see that they have gotten back to the basics of good story and simple interface for this edition. Still on disk 1, many more hours to go.

Once again cannot hessitate to plug Blogger since it is by their technology alone that I am able to do what I do here. Figured that it was a good idea since there are several new readers who might be interested in such a thing.

I will be playing a whole lot of Madden with my job so I am off to it...

January 24, 2001

Planets align and Hindus Bathe.

Planets align and Hindus Bathe.

Problems with close friends preoccupy my free cycles.

As refered to me by

As refered to me by x-ie:
Spielburg does Kubrick's Baby (gotsta have qt).

Since it is in a web page and that sucks, I recomend that you open the url in QuickTime Player.

Today's Tired Rambling (TTR001): One

Today's Tired Rambling (TTR001):
One of the many nice things I can say about my job (as opposed to the many-many that I cannot), is how close my desk is to the bathroom. After a case of Dew, nothing is better than a short trip.

January 25, 2001

(More of) Today's Tired Rambling

(More of) Today's Tired Rambling (TTR002):
From underneith a mound of code I called out to you. It is dark in here, but warm. For now I know for certain why those without homes use newsprint as blankets.

Made progress on FF9 last night despite my intention not to play it at all since I worked so damn late. Disk 2 is where I am whoo hoo... Made my first touchdown in Madden today. That is really exciting. Soon enough I will be able to hold my own against 4 year olds.

Am intending to make plans and get out this weekend. Now it is just a matter of figuring out where to go.

Noticed something on the roof of my car when I was at the post office today. Turned out to be sap. grrr... it is the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention.

January 27, 2001

Finally have broadband in my

Finally have broadband in my home and boy is it nice to be back on the big pipe. I really don't think that there are that many people on my local segment/loop since the connection speeds are really, REALLY fast here. Perhaps it is just that the company rocks, but I really doubt that.

Contact info is now up to date and rocking. I will do my best to get the pictures that I have of the apartment and my adventure with Flat Stanley scanned and up on the site really soon. On a not about getting things, I am still waiting for Ikea to ship me the necessary parts of my desk so that I can actually have a full setup and get things working again. Soon, soon...

Heading into work today. I actually started writing code yesterday. It feels really good to be getting real work done. I have to say that Madden 2002 is gonna rock. I normally do not go in for Football or sports games at all, but this one is really something to behold.


January 28, 2001

So it is going to

So it is going to be a few more days until I get my desk... this bothers me a little although I now have most of the things in my office arranged. Today has been a cleaning and laundry day. I guess that is OK, since if it were not for the football game today, I would have been in the office working on code...

I came to realize last night while talking to someone on NM, that I have been asking several people this question:
"So what are you playing?"
and I find that really amusing.

So I talked to a

So I talked to a completely cool and honest person tonight on NM. It was rather refreshing... she was a woman from Illinios with a cam and a kid and she was quite nice. It certainly beats the "hey show me your stuff" conversation, which is normally how it goes. Kinda gives me hope for the human race.

Missed most of the Super Bowl comercials tonight. Guess I will scoot over to Adcritic to check them out this week. Did catch the VW one for the GTI with the car stuck up in the tree. That was clever, but I am bias in that regard. Although it is the second car in tree commecial running right now. Wonder if it is a trend. hmmm...

Since I apearantly write code

Since I apearantly write code and in code:
NM: Netmeeting
<G>: Big Grin
<g>: Little Grin
<p>: Pout
pttt: ptttt

January 29, 2001

Making of Crouching Tiger, Hidden

Making of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Decent article, great movie.

As I have said, "Fuck

As I have said, "Fuck Lieberman". That sensoring bastard is up to is old tricks again. Read about it here. I don't believe that companies should market violence or sex to children, but the idea of this line of advertising is, IMHO, bullshit and just an excuse to get tighter control of the industry for the government.

January 30, 2001

Talked to an old friend

Talked to an old friend last night. It was good to hear that dispite all of the bad that she has had to endure and in a sense all that I encouraged her to endure that she is getting better every day. It is strange the people that you leave behind who you actually miss. It is also amazing to me how much a smile can mean, especially when it is one so beautiful.

January 31, 2001

Got a wonderful opertunity to

Got a wonderful opertunity to play The Bouncer in the office today. I can only say that I was a little (spread arms wide) let down by the whole thing. I believe that Dream Factory (the dev studio) has dumbed down the interface so that anyone can play. But that, in my opinion, is what made Tobal No. 2 one of the best fighters ever. I just hope that there is something that I am missing since the game was in Japanese and the menus nearly impossible to use.

X-ie has been filling my inbox with fine, high-quality mail. In the next couple of days I will be bringing my brain (rested) to bear on the topics presented there. I will be sure to post anything of any interest or revelation here.

Speaking (typing) of things piling up in my inbox, Dianna sent me an organ which arived fresh today. This and other images availible in the media area of this site.

Milestone passed, now the real work begins.

edited 04.22.01 7:46pm: removed image links as they are now gone.

February 2, 2001

i think about that look

i think about that look in your eyes and how the corners of your mouth turn up when you smile
as if i could only guess at the things going through your head
i think about you walking around my apartment naked some morning... going off to see if there is any dew in the fridge
taking your time walking across the living room
the sound of your bare feet on the wood floors
the way the sun coming through the windows highlights your waist and back
i think about being gaurded in public
never knowing when you might pull me aside
somewhere out in the open
and that hungry anxiousness in your movements
the ones that cannot be fought
i think of how your hair must look flying back as your throw your head around
eyes shut and mouth open just slightly something unspeakable under your breath
and how all of that could be captured in an instant in your eyes
and how if you let your guard down for just a second the real you would be too wonderful to ever put back behind the caution
that is what i think about

Looks like Sega is going

Looks like Sega is going to be releasing Saturn games on the PSOne. Crazy. Although it would be good to see those few really good Saturn games make their way there. Whoo hoo, Knights.

February 3, 2001

Although Netmeeting is one cool

Although Netmeeting is one cool tool... it is tempremental as hell. Oh well, since it is free I guess you get what you pay for.

Meir on German Automotive Engineering:

Meir on German Automotive Engineering:
"It's that mathematical humorless precision..."

February 4, 2001

Wow. I had a really

Wow. I had a really great day yesterday. Got a great nights sleep. Went to the XFL game with people from work and then went out for a few drinks with a cool guy who lives a couple of cubes down from me at the office.

Interesting things that I saw last night:

  • Raver poser carrying a cel phone off of his cargo pants pocket with so many blinky lights he looked like a discoteque.
  • More women than I can count wearing skimpy clothing yet walking around freezing.
  • A girl trying to get the attention of the 3 guys that she knew ahead of them by flashing them from behind. The were not paying attention and missed the whole thing. When they turned around she looked embarassed.
  • Clove smoking frat boys.
  • An older teenage girl wearing a sweatshirt from the Limited Too.
  • The amazingly vacant eyes of a woman sweeping the streets.

And perhaps the best thing:
A guy tying his girlfriend's shoe, provoking the though, "That is indeed love..."

Interesting things that I heard last night:

  • Daniel on EQ:
    Enough with the elf logic, enough with the magic building skills...
  • Daniel on messed up people:
    You are so messed, your porn scares me...
  • Daniel on a girl he once dated:
    Daniel: She was like the difference between a 60 watt and an 80 watt.
    Aaron: But that is a lot.
    Daniel: Not during the day.

And that is just what I was able to write down on napkins and my arm. I was glad to be carrying a pen. I am going to have to get a digital camera. Some of this stuff only makes sense unless you can see it or were there, and you are probably neither.

So I find out today

So I find out today that a friend of mine back home is a closet romantic. I always though that was the case...

Oh... I almost forgot. So

Oh... I almost forgot. So I went to Einstein Bros. Bagels the other day and was being helped by one of my favorite employees Jen. There was another girl working there stocking the cooler. When I walked in they exchanged some words via non-verbal communication. While I was standing at the counter, I turned around to see the girl stocking the cooler turn quickly away. I think that I might have caught her checking me out. Funny and flattering situation all around.

February 5, 2001

Insomnia how I loathe thee,

Insomnia how I loathe thee, let me count the ways... "One monday morning, two tuesday morning..."

Added a new picture in

Added a new picture in the Media section.

Insomnia can kiss my white ass. I do indeed have blue hairs although with the blue of my monitors it is not like you care.

Finally sleep comes...

Finally sleep comes...

I am completely spent today.

I am completely spent today. I can only hope that my insomnia does not choose to visit me again tonight.

So I asked Jen out for coffee today and gave her my number. I am determined to explore and break through the bounds that I have held myself to for all of these years. I am tired of being in a place where I have walls around me. It is almost there. I can feel it coming and I don't think that I can stop it even if I want to.

So I get this in my e-mail about the Final Fantasy Movie.

Not that much to it but I guess that I will post it anyway just in case anyone is tracking this kind of thing like I am. Also linked in the Media section.

February 6, 2001

Insomnia did not visit last

Insomnia did not visit last night and it was wonderful. I slept like a great big rock.

Work was work today. I am not sure that I got all that much done, but I am certain that I am set up to get a whole lot done.

Jen was at the Bagel store this morning, but not working. She caught me outside to tell me that she really couldn't go out with me on account of her having a boyfriend and all. She said that the reason that she hadn't said anything the day before was that she was so flattered. I am somehow not really upset by all of this. It was really enough that she said OK in the first place. I told her that it was quite alright, that I was glad that she told me as opposed to not calling, and that if she was going to go out and do something in a group to let me know. I am really looking for friends right now. People to hang out with and all.

There are a whole lot of things that I have come to think about as a result of my mailings with a friend back home. One is that I am not intemidated by anyone. I think this is because I know that there are people out there better at something than me. It is in that acknoledgement that I loose the intimidation. I think this is necessary since I don't believe that anything other than fear can come from such feelings.

The traffic on my site has been going up and I cannot be sure who is actually reading this. I know some of the people who do, but for the most part, feel free to rip me a mail and let me know what you do or do not think.

So another thing that pops to mind is how close I am to reaching a major breakthrough in my life. For a really, REALLY long time I have been keeping myself and, more so, my emotions in check. This has led to I believe several things. One, I know that when I need to I can exert control on my emotional state in order to get things done. Two, performing the activities of limiting one's self leads to unspent creative energy. Three, I have been doing this holding back for way too long. So, I have been letting it run a little loose these last couple of weeks. I can feel a huge back-pressure of things just waiting to come pouring out. I hope that no one else gets caught up in it. No wait, that is not right. I hope that everyone I know can get caught up in it and use that energy to its fullest.

Something perhaps tells me that those of you who read this have noticed the change. If you haven't been keeping up, just take a look at the length of the posts and how much more they say out in the open. Check out the bit of creativity that leaked out on 02.02.2001. Oh it has been a long time coming and it is going to be so good.

Going out with Daniel to grab a beer and check out some music tonight. Take care all, and Chuck, I will call.

February 7, 2001

Things that I saw last

Things that I saw last night:
  • A lead into sex in public that turned into something unknown behind a curton, that turned into getting busted. All in a restaurant where I was having dinner. All in all, it turned out to be nothing really.
  • A guy in a really bad 80's hat, doing a really bad 80's attempt at a dance.

Things that I heard last night:

  • From a girl at the restauant to some guy: I am the nicest person. So nice, so nice. I think that that is my problem. That is what pisses me off.
    No, I am afraid it is your nievity that is your problem not you niceness.
  • Bad "new dance" music.
  • An even worse remix of Janet Jacksons's Nasty Boys

Not all that bad of an evening. There is talk about a mind blowing experience on Thursday, however.

Blue hair and all. Requested

Blue hair and all. Requested picture also in Media.

Great day. Work is outstanding.

Great day. Work is outstanding. Grabbed a beer and a nice chat with the neighbor. The owner is remodeling part of the house that I live behind and my water is turned off... we are taking care of this momentarily.

No real profound thoughts today, just feeling tired and wonderful after a day well spent.

February 8, 2001

So Starcraft clans are getting

So Starcraft clans are getting busted. Check out this little story. All I have to say about that is what the fuck?

Oh so she is so

Oh so she is so slim and sexy... soon she will be in my house... pictures later...

So I was thinking on

So I was thinking on my way back up from from a smoke and a thouhgt came to mind. Several new people (some from work) are reading this site. A certain feeling of being watched came over me while I was thinking about all of that and then I realized that was not really the feeling. More like the feeling of letting people, or even encouraging people to watch. It is quite different to be an exhibitionist and being paranoid. Not that I put anything here because I think it is somehow important enough to anyone else. More that it is therapy.

Words once released into the world no longer are owned by those who said them. They gain in a sense an imortality that is all their own. Something very different then how they were intended. But then again it is not that I wish for these ideas to become immortal that I post them here. What I really want is for people to laugh and think and enjoy life. If what I have to say can even encourage the slightest bit any of those feeling then it is good that I do so.

I have been taking some time to myself, not really thinking about all of the things that I normally do. Several days of intense introspection have taken their toll on my psyche. Probably by Sunday I will be in on it again and have something more to talk about in that reguard.

February 10, 2001

Well thanks to a random

Well thanks to a random person, I get to put some thoughts out up. I appreciate the talk JustMe and hope that all of life works out a little better for you.

I wake up in the morning. I have a long list of shit that has to get done. That, and an even longer list of things to think about. I take a shower and hit the road. But there is peace in my life. I am not talking about the peace that comes from religion, or the peace that comes from not knowing just how bad things can get. I am talking about the peace that comes with the resignation that life is just that, life.

I have been amazingly fortunate as things go. I had a good family that cared about me a great deal. Not that my childhood was all bicycles and ice cream cones, just that they were there if I needed them. They bailed me out on more than one occasion. There are people who are not so lucky. There are people whose parents treat them like shit and take out all of their crap on them. I talked to one of those people tonight.

But it is not them who I have to thank the most for opening my eyes. It is myself. I chose to be. At any point during any of this I could have chosen not to. Even right now, I can choose to stop. I don't. I don't because I love all this stuff too much. There are too many people to talk to and too many things to see. Coffee is good. I like coffee. My advice, do something or get out. Stop bitching. Stop wasting the air that the trees see so fit to provide. Better life through the entropy of others.

What this has led me to realize is that there is a breakpoint in your evolution as an individual, a point where you make your decision. Are you going to continue to let life treat you like a pawn (which in fact you are in some sense), or are you going to realize yourself into better things. It really all comes down to a frame of reference. If you think that you are never happy because you believe happiness to be something greater than it actually is, then you will never see it. Standing in the midst of life you can sometimes miss that which is right before you.

So every day I stop and rest my mind. I let my position inside match up with my position outside. I can effect very little change in the world around me. I can effect large amounts of change in the way that I look at things. Happiness is not a state of mind, for that entails the wrong idea that a mind is something that can exist in multiple states. Happiness is an observation that life is what it is, something to be lived. Less obtusely, life exists without your observation of it and if you take the time to stop trying to be something, you will discover what you are.

So onward depressed and downtrodden individuals! I hope that some day you open your eyes, stop blaming life for you messed up state, and realize that you make the decision to be what you are. Just stay out of my way, I have as much living to do as time sees fit to grant me.

Oh and the hits just

Oh and the hits just keep on rolling. Check out the back and forth I had with this guy on my way to bed:

Begin ICQ Session
narf: (3:37 AM) do you know where to find full movies online to download????
takeru: (3:38 AM) you will probably want me to tell you where you can get 0dayz warez too?
narf: (3:39 AM) only if you want to!
narf: (3:39 AM) do you play playstation?
takeru: (3:40 AM) man i write video games for a living, it is lame ass people like you who take money out of my pocket. get a life, a job, and then throw away 10% of every dollar you make so some punk can play your dream... no thanks man
narf: (3:42 AM) hey fuck you smart ass you need to get a life , and a job. quit crying, if your gonna complain about what you do then change it dumbfuck!!!
takeru: (3:42 AM) is that all you have?
takeru: (3:42 AM) cmon you can do better than that...
takeru: (3:43 AM) i do indeed have a life... i do indeed have a job... i am not crying... of course i am also not randoming people looking to download movies
takeru: (3:43 AM) in terms of changing it? i will just have to write new ways to make games more difficult to copy. that and encourage people like you to support what you enjoy.
narf: (3:44 AM) got more where that came from but i dont have time for stupid ass people like was a ? fuckhead you dont have to be a dick
takeru: (3:44 AM) I was not being a dick. Remember, you are the one who decided to waste my time with your question. narf: (3:46 AM) i can copy anything out on the market you couldnt be smart enough to stop me!!! you shouldnt have answered it dumbass!!!haha
takeru: (3:48 AM) Wow... I totally underestimated you skills. I am so sorry. However, Mr. Pirate Man, if you have such awsome powers, why did you message me wondering where to get files. I mean with your skills you should have connections in the cracker and warez communities.
takeru: (3:48 AM) Oh wait... that's right... that is because you are a liar...
takeru: (3:48 AM) You probably wouldn't know recognize the names of the majority of tools, much less how to operate them...
narf: (3:50 AM) ok you re wasting my time ......electronic arts huh? havnt found one i couldnt rip yet .....sucker!
takeru: (3:51 AM) Really? That is astounding... I take it that you are ready to roll with copying those PS2 disks then? Moded PS2 already? Oh wait a man like you has a Test or a Tool by now. It has been interesting. Glad that I wasted some of your time with this.
takeru: (3:51 AM) Needed some amuzement for this evening.
narf: (3:52 AM) goodbye

Man I need some sleep.

Edited 04.18.01 2:34am: Dead link

Edited 04.18.01 2:34am: Dead link removed.
Feel free to check out this old add for a friend of mines band Reform.

February 11, 2001

God damn it all to

God damn it all to hell. Reinstalled my system and inadvertly (after I was reinsalled even) managed to delete my data partition. All of it gone. Only really important stuff was the webpage (which I can download) and my finance information. Now I have to recreate it all. Shoulda kept hardcopys since those were my backups.

Goodnight all...

February 12, 2001

Nice day. No lockups that

Nice day. No lockups that I remember. One monitor. Talked to Dad. Bedtime after a smoke. More blue in the hair. Probably one more week until it is cut out. Washed the car. Ate dinner with Daniel in Winter Park. Watched TV Funhouse. Read some book. Played Oni. (In no particular order).

I have been thinking about

I have been thinking about this for a little while and felt the need to get my thoughts in line.

On Solitude:
I know a whole lot of people who love their solitude. They look everywhere for it. This I don't understand. In a crowd I always am able to find solitude in my thoughts. I can turn the world off. But for me the thoughts that exist there are less real than the thoughts that I share with others. For example, these musings would be nothing if I didn't share them in some way. It is in our interactions with others that we become human. Otherwise, why would we be here?

February 13, 2001

Insomnia, creepin' on a come

Insomnia, creepin' on a come up...

February 14, 2001

So I still haven't fixed

So I still haven't fixed my machine and that sucks.

Chuck writes me saying: Too much code is written with little or no feeling. Feeling is a strange thing to speak of when discussing a thing as logical as coding, but I think it is fair to say that good code is written by people who are really _feeling_ it. Its that magical moment when your internal vision of the program matches its external representation in the computer; the moment when you and the code are in sync. That moment, if you have the peace of mind to reach it, is the pinnacle of the art of programming.

I totally agree with this. The way I look at it is the zen state. I code because I can get to places when I am working on code that I just cannot reach when I am doing other things. For me, it is art. For me, it is an extension of my consiousness.

Meeting people in a new

Meeting people in a new place is disheartening at best. Decided to reply to some personal ads and see where that goes. For a long time I considered this an act of desperation. Then I realized that is what I do of sorts here. I put up here what I do and what I am looking for in life and people. Only thing is, no one ever gets here by way of another web site so typically people who read it are friends and people I have met. That and I don't get nearly enough feedback on these ideas.

Ok, so here is an idea. If you are interested in participating in a blog (this here is a blog in case you didn't know) linked from this site, send me a mail. I'll set it up and link it in. Then there will be a forum for feedback and the like.

On Work -or- How the Hours Pass When You Are Away:
So twice in the last week I have achieved the zen state. I have gotten to that point in my work where I have essentially been elsewhere. I wish that I could post up here what I am working on but unfortunatly I cannot. All I can say is that it is good work, and that most people will not even notice what I have done. That is completely OK with me though. The important bit is what I feel when I am working. If you know what it feels like to be so completely in the zone that you are not even there then you know what I am saying. It is the syncronization that Charles mentioned. Almost like loosing yourself in the work so completely that you are able to make real anything in the realm of you imagination.

And that is why I write code.

February 15, 2001

Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is

Wrong, wrong, wrong. This is just plain wrong.

Something woke me up in

Something woke me up in the middle of the night. I think that it was work. I was dreaming of ways to aproach the problem that I am working on. I don't think that this will keep me up for long. I think that I will be better after a smoke and a glass of water. It is just really strange. Something brought me all the way out of sleep and that doesn't happen all that often. So if you are thinking of something and waking me up, stop it!! I need the sleep and you need to leave me... no wait, go ahead.

February 16, 2001

Interesting things that I saw

Interesting things that I saw tonight:
  • As a man gets older, so does his leer improve...
  • The clothing of an individual as a walking advertisement. This like wrapped cars or mobile billboards. An activity done in hopes of finding people who share likes like yours. Why I love my penny-arcade shirt.
  • Woman wearing a tie like a scarf. I trophy of a night well spent.
  • People looking rediculous getting their groove on to Freebird.

Enough Murphy's. Bed time...

February 17, 2001

Wow. Exciting night saw and

Wow. Exciting night saw and heard and did a whole lot. Here is some of it:

Interesting things for this evening:

  • Jenny (sp?) bartendress at Ybor's on Church Street throwing a wadded up napkin at a customer. Due to bad aim or perhaps just unaccounted for air conditioning, she totally missed the person that she was aiming for and hit another unsuspecting customer. The look on her face was priceless.
  • More leerers in training (men not old enough to leer sucessfully) than you can shake a stirring stick at.
  • Clatter (sp?) ring. It is like a promise ring of some sort, but Irish in origin.
  • Talked to a really nice lady who runs a buisness that cleans the playlands at McDonald's, Chick-fil-a, and the like. She gave me a web address but it doesn't seem to work. If she reads this maybe she will mail me and give me the correct address.
  • The look of a dijected beer drinker at the bar as he failed to get even the slightest bit of acknowledgement from a bartendress.

So here is what made my night really cool. I met several people who were very interesting. I honestly can say that they really made my night. Now I know that they might be reading this page for the first time and they might get the wrong idea from this post. But, hey there, read more and you will see that this is quite normal. Interesting conversation with beautiful people always puts me in great spirits. What we had were two poli-sci students and a creative writing grad student. Lines of conversation included Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maitenance, paintball, meeting intersting people, the zen state as it relates to creativity, and many more. All I can really say is "Wow", and hope that these people don't consider me too wierd by this site and get in touch with me.

For Kate:
Goodnight house, goodnight mouse...

February 18, 2001

OK, another exciting evening out

OK, another exciting evening out on the town and a few notes on it. I will post them after some sleep. You can check out the time below if you think I am being a wimp about it. I am tired and need some beauty sleep. Those who know me know this to be true. Tired, tired Aaron-san... Laters...

Intersting things from last night:

Intersting things from last night:
  • Verbal acosting at a new level.
  • I was told that I should look into taking Yoga. Maybe I will, so there.
  • Caffene and Vodka, together at last.
  • Girls who ask guys where their (the guy's) boyfriends are.
  • Logistics of... uh... cannot read what I wrote down at this point.

Met some more really cool people. Most notable is a 9th and 10th grade English teacher from Daytona. This is where the acosting comment above comes from. It is nice to meet people who enjoy engaging in such wordplay.

Busy day ahead. I actually went out and bought groceries this morning. I am going to cook this week. I think that it will be great.

February 19, 2001

So tonight's story ends with

So tonight's story ends with me being hit in the face with a bottle thrown by a drunk man. But I am getting ahead of myself. I went out again tonight with Kristin. We were at a club having a particularly good time when there was a drunk who bumped into the both of us. We kind of pushed him lightly off. You know the kind of push, a "Hey there are people here, don't shake your thing so much over here." Being a punk ass bitch, he danced into us quite forcefully. Kristin proceded to add her drink to the equation by pouring it at/on the guy's back. He didn't take this all that well and proceded to douse the both of us and about 4 other people with the remainder of his high quality Micelob Light. The bouncer was quickly brought in to escort the guy out. At this point I had not said anything to the guy. He mouthed something off on his way by and I told him to "Have a good night." This was promptly followed by him throwing his beer bottle (now empty but still heavy) at me. For a pissed off drunk guy, his aim was pretty true and he hit me square in the nose. Kristen held me back as I started to follow them out the door. Not that I would have done anything, just that I was starting not to be present in the situation. That scary state where you don't know what is going on because your anger is getting the best of you. So now I have a slight black eye, a swollen nose, a broken blood vessel, and this nice little story. I will wash the shirt and laugh a whole lot about this.

February 20, 2001

No post from yesterday on

No post from yesterday on account of the large volume of e-mail that I had when I got home. The last few days have been heavy handed at work. I have gotten through a large volume of work and am, for the most part back on track. It feels good to get things done. It feels even better to not be behind.

I am hoping that I figure out something to do at the end of this week. I promised myself, "No more late nights when I have to get up in the morning." This has effectivly put off all evening fun during the week. Perhaps that is not the best way to put it. What I am hoping for is a good reason to break my promise to myself. Anyone out there up the the chalenge?

The nose is healing up rather nicely and my head didn't hurt today like yesterday. It never ceases to amaze me how much abuse we can put ourselves through on a daily basis and not be in all that bad of shape all around.

For the sis:
Hang in there girl. No matter what happens you are loved from this side of the map.

For everyone else:
Stop taking the time to fight the natural flow of that which is inevitable. This is a silly waste of energy and distracts from all of the pretty things to see while you are being pulled relentlessly into the future.

February 21, 2001

30 minute power-naps rock and

30 minute power-naps rock and get me through the day.

Farscape DVD's are coming out.

So this clip of an

So this clip of an old game began to circulate. You can see it in the first post from this link. The following 55+ pages are more. In addition, Exploitation Now has this to contribute. Then it gets into the real news here. And a picture of the actual paper.

So this brings me to think about the quick nature of information on the internet. You assemble enough people with slight slivers of time in one place, focus them on one topic and away they go. Something like distributed computing except with greater humor (I don't know, my computer is not that witty). If anyone can point me to similar phenomenon, I would welcome it. In fact "All your base" has begun to slip into my workplace in frightening amounts and degrees. Any new distractions like this would be great.

February 22, 2001

And what made me break

And what made me break my promise to myself about staying out late you might ask? I am not telling. Not yet at least. Don't even bother to ask.

Interesting things said within earshot:

  • I'm not wearing a watch so I don't have to go home.
  • Remember to comment (code) evasively.
  • On female bathroom grouping: Girls are more tribal... no, herd animals.
  • Young boys are a joy. They are just so eager to please.

Now to catch my 4 hours of sleep .

February 23, 2001

Only one interesting thing to

Only one interesting thing to note tonight. I got to watch a pretty girl play with cigarette smoke.

I was told to post

I was told to post this quote, fresh off the brain:
Belief is a leap of faith. Knowledge is a leap of logic.

Another one (not me): I'm

Another one (not me):
I'm gesticulating...

February 24, 2001

A few bits of stuff

A few bits of stuff from yesterday:

Last night went to see a really cool band called Weszt. An interesting thing happened while the drummer took a bathroom break. A song with a line in the chorus saying, "Maybe I'll Go", was dedicated to the drummer. It took me a while to get it, but I was amused. So anyone in the Orlando are feel free to come and check them out on March 16th at Dante's.

I have decided to start working on a video project. I don't know exactly what I am going to do or how long it is going to take, but I will keep everyone in the loop on it.

Just kickin' it today. Gonna go hand out tonight for a bit.

I have decided that no more late nights for me when I have to get up the next day. It just cannot be. I have too much going on in the next week and a half to let myself get too tired like I did this week. Not that I am bitching at all. I have had a wonderful last couple of weeks and could not imagine having done anything else. Just that I have things that I need to and want to do and need my beauty sleep to do it well.

So a little while back

So a little while back a big hub-bub started about being able to decoded DVD's. There is this and that, but since the code was open, there was a fight over trying to get it killed. Problem 1, the source code was published as part of the legal docs. Then it was defended by saying that code was protected under freedom of speech. This led to a whole slew of things that encoded the sourse in other mediums like song and in this haiku. I love this kind of stuff.

Oh and it gets all

Oh and it gets all the better. Here is a letter which the author of DeCSS wrote in response to a threatening letter sent to him by the MPAA. In it are several links to the other forms that this code has taken. Geeky, but cool none the less.

February 25, 2001

Interesting things from this evening

Interesting things from this evening or What amuzed me to no end:
  • Guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor. Too cool for words.
  • The necessary social conventions of dancing.
  • "I'm proud of my tounge."
  • The faces people make at their friend's drunkenness.
  • The look of genuine caring on a drunkard's face.
  • "You can never save face on a shitty night."

That and my head was molested while I was dancing. That and I liked it.

February 26, 2001

So I find it amusing

So I find it amusing that all of my posts about what I saw in a night get up on the wrong days due to that whole 12:00 being the next day thing.

Entering crunch time this week. Blah, long days. It is good that I love what I do and can zone into it. I can work for 10-12 hours and not be that wasted at the end of it all. Although those kinds of hours will probably be nothing compared to some that I will pull this week.

Looking forward to being past this milestone. Looking forward to some downtime.

February 27, 2001

The lockups continue. New heatsink?

The lockups continue. New heatsink?

February 28, 2001

Wow, oops... I actually missed

Wow, oops... I actually missed a day. It has been quite a while since that has happened. I thought about getting a post up last night but then realized that I either didn't have anything to say or didn't have the energy to care if I did. Work this week is proving to be amazing. The sheer quantitly of things that I have my hands in is startling. The only problem with working so much is that by the end of the day when I really want to go out, I really don't want to go out. All I want to do is go home, answer any really pressing e-mail, and watch cartoons. So I need to find the balance.

Other than that I am rolling around in the back of my head several projects including a cartoon strip and a video project. Not sure where any of this will end up but things are beginnning to coelesce.

Double oops... I did post

Double oops... I did post yesterday, but it didn't get uploaded to the page... hrmmm...

Computer is 8 ways from

Computer is 8 ways from messed up. Post on interface tomorrow.

March 2, 2001

I know I said that

I know I said that I would post something about interface today. It will have to wait. I got in from work just a little bit ago. I am going to hit the shower and then head back. The thing on interface will be big I promise. Think that it might tie into the video project as well as a comic if I can talk an artist into it. There is hope so we will see.

Sleep well all, I will join you soon.

Like I said. I will

Like I said. I will join you soon. Now actually. The under of my desk sure is comphy... Just a little nap and then I can get more done!! Rock.

March 3, 2001

12 hours of sleep and

12 hours of sleep and my brain is back where it should be, somewhere between my head and my stomach. Too bad milestone is not until tuesday night.

Here is a teaser:
inキterキface n.

  • A surface forming a common boundary between adjacent regions, bodies, substances, or phases.
  • A point at which independent systems or diverse groups interact: 鍍he interface between crime and politics where much of our reality is to be found� (Jack Kroll).
  • Computer Science. The point of interaction or communication between a computer and any other entity, such as a printer or human operator.

What I want to talk about is the first and the second, not the third.

March 4, 2001

We all have our own

We all have our own way of communicating with the world around us. A way to understand and influence that which we preceive. This is our external interface with the world. In a similar fashion the world interfaces with us and chooses (by whatever means that it does) how it does so independant of our desires. That is why the universe is occationally subtle and more often painfully forceful.

Just a little more teaser. Wednesday things should become more clear.

March 5, 2001

I am so going to

I am so going to make milestone, and it is going to feel so good.

March 7, 2001

Well, I am back to

Well, I am back to the normal not quite sane state that I was in about a week and a half ago. It was kinda nice being all rushed like that, though. I really didn't have time to think about what I was going to do or what I should be doing. I just went and went and that just rocks. Milestone (read: Great Big Deadline tm) passed last night and it is kinda nice to be a little more relaxed around the office.

So when I get home last night there is a box on my doorstep. Seems that my friend Janke had sent me a bottle of his Chu Chu Muscat (wine). It is nice to receive gifts from friend, especially when they are funny and alcoholic.

Actually bought an N64 to play Conker's Bad Fur Day. This game is a total laugh riot. I cannot believe how crude, crass, and full of profanity this game is. It is kinda like real life, except with more poo.

So I said that I would have more up on interface today, but that was kinda a lie. Maybe tonight. Maybe in the form of something other than a post real soon. We shall see.

It is absolutly amazing how

It is absolutly amazing how much cooling a $12 heat sink can buy. I think that I may be on the right track to keeping my machine from locking up. Soon I will have both my monitors and my capture card back in and then I will show them all!! Have a talk with a co-worker tomorrow about Interface. Soon there will be something.

March 8, 2001

Here comes the hurt!! OK,

Here comes the hurt!! OK, I feel better now. It is funny that getting out of crunch has really left me less able to get the same degree of work done as I was before.

My body did not let me get out of bed today. I slept pretty late. I feel great now though and that is what I need for tomorrow. The interface conversation I was to have today has been moved to next week and the talk I was suposed to have with an artist tomorrow might just get moved back as well. Maybe I will talk with him this weekend. I really need to get started on this as it is growing uncomfortably in my head.

These are my words, typed by my hands and preceived by my eyes on this virtual surface. These are an embodiment of my thoughts given form from the ether. What I choose to put here is an act of my own will and an intent to convey a though which I have. When was the last time you though not about what you are saying, not what about how you are saying it, but instead about the idea of conveying that thought?

March 11, 2001

Long weekend. Too much to

Long weekend. Too much to drink last night. Finished Conker's Bad Fur Day. Relaxing. Blah.

March 12, 2001

The day quickly aproaches for

The day quickly aproaches for the release of Black and White. My machine is giving me problems again. Next step is to replace the motherboard. Grrrr...

March 13, 2001

Another late night, although this

Another late night, although this one was around the house. Man, one of these days I am going to stop doing... oh wait, nevernind.

So I was talking with my mother just the other day (last weekend like) and we started discussing her current reading list which includes several books on herbs and natural treatments. BTW, my mom is a big bad ass. One day I think she is going to become a zen master, then you all will really have to watch out.

If you know what this is ":-(", then you must read this. Just goes to show that people will believe that they are going to win a prize for forwarding an e-mail also cannot tell what irony and satire are. You people out there suck, and stop sending me stupid forwards and virus alerts (Soapbox Off).

Watched Blue Velvet last night. Good flick. David Lynch is a bad ass. Well, peace out, code calls.

March 14, 2001

So this "All Your Base"

So this "All Your Base" thing is getting even bigger. This link is the more or less history of the phenomenon. Last monday a reference cropped up in the comic Foxtrot. Cats is on HP's web site and it isn't a hack. Wierd.

Occationally life gets complicated and you find yourself in a no-win situation. Thoughts imediatly jump to mind where I wonder if cutting my losses is not the best option. Then I realize that there is a whole lot to loose. Grrr... Funny, it has been a really long time since I have posted an obscure reference like this one. Maybe I am getting back to my old ways. Nah (just a scare for X-ie ).


I hereby declare this "All

I hereby declare this "All Your Base" day. For great justice check out the wacky here.

Perhaps things are not as

Perhaps things are not as bad as one might have me believe.

March 16, 2001

Kate arives today!! Should make

Kate arives today!! Should make for a really fun time. Remember to wear green tomorrow lest you be pinched into oblivion.

There have been people that I have met in my life that I have had an amazing sync with right off the bat. It is occationally frightening the intensity of relationship that accompanies my meeting those people. I used to let it make really bad decisions, ones that were better in the short rather than the long term. I don't think that I am going to let that happen again.

I got a little package

I got a little package today. It is pretty and red and really way too much. Good things come in groups.

March 17, 2001

Oh my god!! Farscape is

Oh my god!! Farscape is by far the most amazing science fiction on television. Season premere was tonight and I am totally blown away. It is incredible that they are actually able to do such a wonderful show and make it through 2 seasons. Check it out even if you are not really into sci-fi. It is worth it.

Went to see Weszt tonight. Good show. Far too short. Going to try and grab a beer with the guitarist next weekend. They remind me of everything that I loved about Live way back in the day.

Kate arived late but safe. Should be a wonderful weekend.

There are these little bastards

There are these little bastards living in my apartment. I am going to get them now. My take on bugs. They have the outside. I do not kill insects or anything else for that matter in the outside. But the inside is my place. If you come into my place uninvited and do not leave when I say, then I get you. This applies to both insects and soliciters.

March 18, 2001

Good evening tonight. Much fun

Good evening tonight. Much fun and crowds to be had downtown.

I believe in something greater than all of us. Call it what you will it really doesn't matter. Some people are more tuned to it, or perhaps more plugged into it. This gives these people more intuition when it comes to dealing with other people. Sometimes I feel like I am swimming in it.

The beach is an amzing

The beach is an amzing place. It was another cool and overcast trip though. I really just consider it a check in frame of reference. I am small the ocean is large.

March 19, 2001

Something I wrote in response

Something I wrote in response to what is here. For more on my wonderful friend check out his site.

What I have to say:
For me, I am still tied to the functionality of the thing. Art, language, Dew Cans, they are all aspects of a larger thing. My ideas, are still fundementally unfulfilling until they are shared with someone, through some medium. That is my art. It is infused in every action I take and everything that I do. I am powerless to change what you might think about my art, but all the same it must be made.

The idea for this actually sprang forth from some animation that I once watched. The idea that there is a me inside my very own head and that me is the "real" me. There also is a me inside your head. When I say things, do things, write things, the me inside your head is the me that you precieve doing those things. There is absolutly nothing that I can do to make you understand those things the exact way that I intend them. There is nothing that I can do to directly change the me that is inside your head.

So, although I believe that I can do nothing to MAKE you to understand what I want to convey, my art is grounded in the idea that you MUST understand what I mean. The effectivness of art is the ability to make manifest the reaction that is intended by the artist. The medium and style is paramount to the message and substance. For me personally, the balance is the most important thing. Neither is more important.

That being said, I think that a work of art is not something that cannot be expressed in any other medium. Rather, the effectiveness of a work is very dependent on the medium. I for example apreciate particular presentations more than others. I like shiny things. If you want me to understand you better, then I recomend something that I will be more likely to want to experience.

Maybe it is more a view of art as a rhetoric. Style does not create content, although style can in itself BE content.

Some people are content with creating for themselves. For me humanity is defined by the interaction with other humans. I am very human and that is why I believe that without a communication the debate over weither something is or is not art is immaterial. It can be art all it likes it really doesn't matter to me if it exists in a box.

And a debate about absolutes is rediculous.

March 20, 2001

Long day. Kate returned to

Long day. Kate returned to Oklahoma. Tired.

March 21, 2001

Got to play with a

Got to play with a Game Boy Advance today. Neat. Really neat.

March 22, 2001

As you might be able

As you might be able to tell from the lack of posts for the last 3 days, I have hit a bit of a block. It is really not that I have hit a block so much as I have lost something. Perhaps it is not even that I have lost something so much as I have misplaced something. Have you ever had a great thought or idea that you let roll around in your head too long? That is what happened to me. Interface was in my head so long that I fear that one deep Q-Tip usage might have dislodged it. Perhaps the idea has just changed. Interface moved from a vauge idea into a more solid idea which was images with words. What I am really wanting to do is a comic (maybe without the funny). That does not mean that I am not excited about getting off of my ass and writing the script for Interface, just that it is somehow less inspiring than it was when it came to me.

A friend of mine said recently that, "Everything is a beautiful, interconected blur." I tend to agree and so the scope of things has grown a bit in my mind. Now I am not only looking at interface, but at interconectedness. Causality (or at least causality as we understand it) is a very important aspect of my world-view. Instrumentality is another. So now the idea is three-fold.

Interface, Instrumentality and Interconectedness. Here we go again.

March 23, 2001

Work is providing some interesting

Work is providing some interesting distractions along with some more interesting frustrations. The hours are starting to lengthen as another milestone aproaches. I am still feeling incredibly uninspired to work on anything. Perhaps a little time to relax this weekend will leave me feeling better about the whole thing.


  • The state or quality of being instrumental.


  • Of or designating a case used typically to express means, agency, or accompaniment.

And so by instrumentality I mean how we interact and how that makes us more complete and more human. More to come...

March 25, 2001

Borges in his essay The

Borges in his essay The Nothingness of Personality argues that "the self is a mere logical imperitive without qualitites of its own or distinctions from person to person."

Although I fear failure, I wish to disagree. The assumption required to do this is that the self that I recognize as my own (its own) is experienced. This is to say that the self is able to observe the self. Here I fall into a potential pitfall. For such an observation is inherantly self referential. Hoffsteader would call this a strange loop.

The distinction that varies for me from person to person is that the self which is experienced is different. I experince my self (not myself), not your self or his self over there.

Can this awareness be encouraged if it is not already realized? I would say yes. The method that I use is a trial by fire method. The possibility for awareness is already present in each person. All that is needed is the catalyst, a certain amount of energy that will push the system beyond its state of equilibrium.

March 28, 2001

I got a phone call

I got a phone call today to make sure that I was alive. I am. I have been really distracted. Black & White shipped. Milestone is coming. Maybe I will get around to posting something soon.

March 30, 2001

Back again. I have been

Back again. I have been terribly busy with the monumental task of raising my Creature and running a small world. That coupled with work has led to more than an adequate amount of distraction as of late. Milestone crunch begins officially next Monday. I will probably be in the office this weekend to try and get ahead.

Everything is on hold, just like I thought it would be.

March 31, 2001

9 hours of sleep and

9 hours of sleep and I am feeling a whole lot better. Totally sucked into the World which is Black & White. I will try and get a screenshot of my Creature up here today. I know that it is a Saturday, but I am headed into work. But I feel good and I feel hungry. That makes me to want food. Chick-fil-a here I come.

On a side note. My machine behaved itself completely last night. There was this patch from Microsoft which may have fixed my problems. I was able to play for about 5 hours last night without any hangs. We shall see if this fixes the problem. Then it is on to other things like getting the rest of my hardware up and running, including my second monitor.

Trying to make improvements to

Trying to make improvements to this page. Needing inspiration.

April 1, 2001

Well, my machine is not

Well, my machine is not well. I am replacing the motherboard tonight, wish me luck. To hell with daylight savings time. One second, I am looking at the clock it is 1:30, next thing I know it is after 3:00... grrr....

Motherboard replacement yields no improvement.

Motherboard replacement yields no improvement. I am now convinced that it is the video card overheating or just being a big turd. I will be contacting Asus tomorrow.

Although the problems continue, I

Although the problems continue, I find this page which outlines a problem very similar to mine. I am currently downloading the apps they say the problem is noticed in. If the registry edit fixes the problem, then back to the store with the other motherboard. I really wish that I was done with all of this shit.

So now we are up to several patches to make my machine stable and if that was not enough to really ruin my day, this morning was kinda shitty. While I was backing out of my parking spot, I lightly bumped this motercycle which was parked badly in the lot. I hit it perfect and bumped out the kickstand. The bike (a week old) went down. Fortunatly for me the owner was really cool, especially when I went to find him and give him my information so that I can pay him for the damage. Just a little paint scuf on the front fender and some scratches on the plastic on one of the turn signals.

But the day went well otherwise. Especially since I know that a friend of mine is not pissed off at me. Ah, friends.

Sucessful lock up during the

Sucessful lock up during the demo!! Patch installed. Here we go!

April 2, 2001

The benchmark ran!! I am

The benchmark ran!! I am going to leave it running all night and into the day tomorrow. If it goes OK, then I am going to swap my old motherboard back in and see if it runs again. Hopefully it will. Amazing how hard that was to find.

Well, I woke up this

Well, I woke up this morning and my machine was still running. Sometime during the night the benchmark crashed, but not like before. I will be giving it another whirl here today.

Thanks to Krink for the Calvin and Hobbes and others. You rock.

April 3, 2001

OK, they cut off the

OK, they cut off the power to my house so I have no idea if everything ran ok. Will try again tonight. Just got home and am headed to bed.

Oh wow... people are nuts.

Oh wow... people are nuts. Especially those people who do not a get a clue. To see the level of desperation of at least one soul check out (sorry about the popups, they are kinda shitty) which contains some interesting mp3's.

Looks like there is something

Looks like there is something I will have to look into here. There is this thing called Greymatter that works a lot like Blogger (the technology that powers this site). It looks like it will allow people to post replies to what I am saying on this page. Not that there has been a whole lot of content that is reply-to-able as of late. Maybe some feedback would encourage me to post some things of interest. It looks like it might be sometime into next week before I get to even look at it.

I am currently listening to the posts at psychoexgirlfriend and it is really scary. The timestamps on these voicemails are correct and I really don't blame this guy for not calling this girl back. She is completly off her rocker. So what I would like is for people who would be interested in some conversation about this kind of behavior to mail me and I will post the relevent stuff here. C'mon people. I do not get but a couple of replies to my posts per month. I know that you out there (all of a couple of 10 or so) do read this. Reply to something damn it. The one question that comes to mind is if the guy called her back at all to tell her to stop calling? I certainly know that I would have called her up and said, "Listen, you are nuts. If you don't stop calling me I am going to call the police and tell them that you are absolutly off your rocker." But that is just the heartless me. I have learned that you cannot save the world. I can barely save myself.

I really feel bad about ditching out on my friends the last couple of weeks. I am beginning to feel better though. It is interesting, I was talking to my dad Sunday and he asked me if I were feeling alright. Aparently, he could tell that I was going through a funk. About two years ago I am certainly sure that he would not have been able to tell. It was really nice to have the parentals able to tell you that they are concerned about you without having to tell them that they have any reason to.

Boy this has turned into a really long post.

April 4, 2001

So it looks like

So it looks like is a hoax. Check out some nifty sluething here. Thanks to an old friend Peter with this one. Check out his stuff. I still claim that he is a badass.

Came home to my machine still running the demos that I set in motion this morning. That is over 12 hours of 3-D game simming. Sounds like I have a solution. I am going to throw in my old board and give it a whirl tonight. If all goes well it is back to the shop with the new one.

To all my friends who have mailed me, I will mail you all soon.

OK, well the machine is

OK, well the machine is back together again. Benchmarking time.

Well, one pass through the

Well, one pass through the benchmark and the machine is still running. Looks promising. As I said, I am going to run it through the night and see how it manages.

Just a quick link about

Just a quick link about the beverage of the gods Mt. Dew. Stolen link from Peter's Site. Cheers Peter-san, baka...

I got home to find

I got home to find a happy machine running a benchmark that it had been running for over 20 hours. I am going to install Tribes 2, play it a bit, watch Toonami and go to bed. On a good note, I made a breakthrough on my task at work. It feels good.

April 5, 2001

Well, I think that while

Well, I think that while I was trying to get Tribes 2 running, I ate my machine. Just now getting it back online. Guess I will be tired again tomorrow, and it all looked so good.

Tribes 2 is broke ass.

Tribes 2 is broke ass. Go fig. They say that they are working on patches, but I wonder about Sierra's QA.

April 6, 2001

Well another long day. Just

Well another long day. Just getting in and am going to bed tonight. This weekend is not looking so hot either. But next Wednesday and all next weekend are going to rock. Another milestone down. My advice to all of those people out there who were going to buy Tribes 2: Don't. It is about the most rushed game I have ever bought. Some inside information given to me today has indicated that Sierra shipped the game so that they would be able to beef up their finacial statement, as their fiscal year started April 1, just after the game shipped. Way to go guys.

April 7, 2001

I am going to be

I am going to be taking a bit of a break from this page. Work is trying its best to kill me, just got in from work. I will be back, see you all in next week.

April 11, 2001

Monday 10:30am, arrive at work.

Monday 10:30am, arrive at work.
Wednesday, 4:30am, arrive at home.
42 Consecutive hours. My bed demands my presence.

Well, I survived and am

Well, I survived and am back into the running again. I will probably be pulling some hours on the weekend, but none like the ones I pulled over the last week. The milestone went well and now I am looking at other interesting things.

Here is a link for all of you out there. It is funny, at least to me. Anyway, just gonna kick back tonight and relax. Take care out there in the real world.

April 13, 2001

An amazing level of understanding

An amazing level of understanding and experience can be had by opening your eyes to what is around you. The zen state that I seek so often is at hand more often than it is not these days. My sleep is good and my concense is clear. When I write code it is better than it ever has been. I cannot convey to you how happy this makes me.

I will get out more. I promise. Don't pester me. I am where I thoght I would be when I got here. I am complete.

April 14, 2001

Immortality, like death, is something

Immortality, like death, is something that you have to realize. It exists for all. One action, one phrase can bring either. Which you take is up to you.

Was listening to the wonderful musical stylings of Underworld tonight and thinking that it all sounded rather flat. Look over at the speaker which takes care of the lower range of the audio spectrum (some people call this a subwoofer, I call it my big black box of bass) and what do I see? A plug out of its socket in the wall. A thing without a proper home. How did this happen and why is it signifigant you might ask. Well, they installed a motion sensor light out in front of my apartment and had to do some wiring to do it. It looks like they came into my apartment and unplugged all of the stuff that was not on a surge protector. How nice of them. The sub is not on the surge protector because it has a nice little fuse all its own. Go technology. Now my music sounds nice and extra bassy. I am so glad no one lives below or beside me.

Apearanty the Bush keyword for

Apearanty the Bush keyword for hoopla is "hoop-de-la". You can see it used more than once in this article about the returning military personel from China.

All ready to go to

All ready to go to bed early, but went online to see if they shipped the patch for Tribes 2. In fact they had and now it runs on my machine. Just what I need, another distraction. <G>

April 15, 2001

I know that I have

I know that I have posted it before, but you absolutly must check out Peter's Oddgods series up at Hotwired Animation Express. I don't care if you don't give a damn about animation. This is my boy and he rocks. Not just rocks in that sense that you think that people you know who are getting exposure rock, but rock in that in your gut and movin' your feet kinda rock. I thought that I was dedicated to what I do. In a sense I am, but this guy has in the past forgone all physical, emotional, and spiritual needs in the persuit of becoming a bad ass. Brings Stephenson to mind when he talks about being the badest person on earth in Snow Crash.

Makes me want to get off of my ass and get in gear with all of the projects that I have laying around. Perhaps if only I had something to run away from. This necessitates a story. When a long time girlfiend and I were being dumb and not coming to the realization that our relationship was over, there was a period of about 6 months where we were living together but not as together as we had been. This is to say that I encouraged her to get out and have fun without me, and I did everything in my power to be as busy as possible. It was during this time that I did my best work in school. I was out of the house so much that it was all I could do not to do well. Sad state of affairs in retrospect. Should have called it off or fixed the problem when I realized that things were going poorly, but alas, I was a dumbass.

Edited 04.18.01 2:25am: Also interesting to note that not long after this post, I get a mail from Brandi. Odd how the world works.

It is really funny making these posts at 12:00 or later. They show up on the next days posts. So I am talking about my Saturday, and it will look like I am talking about my Sunday. But do not be decieved by what the web page says. I am indeed talking about my Saturday, and I blame the Internet for all of the lies. Perhaps tonight sleep will come early. I am not about to get involved in any video games or anything that will make me to stay up late. Although that never stopped me before.

April 16, 2001

So I recieved an out

So I recieved an out of the blue e-mail today from Brandi. For those of you out there not in the know, I dated Brandi for 2 1/2 years while attending the illustrious (read: sarcasm here) University of Oklahoma. It was a wonderful relationship that ended pretty poorly. Now not ended poorly like lies and cheating and all of that Afternoon Talk Show crap. More like a progressive deterioration of all things good about the relationship. In the end she moved out and we broke up. There were sparks of something after the moveout, but it quickly stopped being even that.

When I was getting ready to move out here. I called her to tell her all about the changes that were going on in my life. At this point she was living out in Californa getting on with her life. During the conversation, I picked up on something which really bothered me. I sensed a drastic change in the amount of caring that existed in our relationship. I am not saying that this is a bad thing. We had grown apart and all for the better. In fact, besides a moment of pathetic pleaing on my part, I believed the situation to be for the best. I assumed that I would not hear from her again. I knew for certain that I would not be the one to contact her. It hurt to have the realization that I did. It hurt and it was wonderful. I was completely free, and completely alone. Interesting the balance there.

Perhaps the funniest thing about my respose to her short mail was how much I wrote and then rewrote. Like I was very careful with what I had to say. I realized this stopped doing it. I told her all about the thoughts that I had rolling around curently, and what I thought about my move to Florida. We will see if she responds to what I wrote. I hope that she does, and I hope that life it treating her as well as it can. She is something very special and deserves everything.

All that aside, today was a good day. Tribes 2 is working and work is working too. I was busy all day with my own stuff and showing the new guy around. I am working on things that make the game shiney. I like shiney. I hear that Peter's laptop like things which are shiney. Mo always liked shiney things. Anyway... life is good. Take care all.

Two Things: 1.) Check out

Two Things:
1.) Check out the new Old 97's CD.
2.) Funny thing that I typoed tonight, "patent as fuck", when meaning to say, "patient as fuck", while talking to Natasha in Cali.

Good Penny Arcade strip today

Good Penny Arcade strip today about the dangers of video games.

April 17, 2001

Well, despite the fact that

Well, despite the fact that words seem to be elusive tonight, I feel like putting something up here. And that perhaps opens up a topic.

I have wondered on occation why I post things here. I think that I do it to keep from going crazy. Even before my move out here there were not many people that I could confide in. Not that I could not confide in them really, just that I couldn't stomach the idea of burdening anyone with my problems and complaints. So this thing here provided me everything that I needed. A place to write my thoughts completely out there in the open where people can read and (although occationally) respond to them. But I don't burdon anyone. You are reading this because you want to, or care. And that brings me comfort. I actually fear the day that I find someone who takes all of this out of me. Because then there will be my observations and no pressing need to put them here. Maybe that will make it only better.

April 18, 2001

Here is a picture of

Here is a picture of me today.

Despite the nature of my reply to Brandi's e-mail I recieved a response to it today. What she has allowed me is the oportunity to revisit some ideas and revise them. Some highlights include this number:

"There is no dichotomy between that which is good and that which is bad. You may feel sad or angry or happy or anything. All of these feelings are just energy. Energy has no properties which make it any more applicable to one use or another. You can feed off of those emotions and do whatever you want to with them. You can let yourself close up because of pain, or you an take your sadness or your tiredness and use that energy to do great things. The choice is up to you."

And this take on myself and the limits of my ability:

"I have realized that I cannot save the world. Hell, I cannot even save another person. You told me this in your own way. You told me this when you said, "Just shut up. No advice. Just the moment." I have realized this and come to understand what you meant by it. I am dense some days and it takes me longer than it should."

And in response to her saying that I love my work:

"Loving is not the right word. Maybe it is though. The feeling is weird. I get up and go to the office. Sit in my cube, talk to my coworkers and when I sit down to write code, I am not even there. I am so immersed in what I am doing that I am somewhere else. Maybe this is euphoria at its fullest, except that I don't look back on it and thank some substance or anything like that. It is a pure experience. This is why I love to drive. This is why I love all of the things that I do. The love for it comes from an apreciation of another feeling that I get. One of not being there. An escapism maybe, but perhaps I am just closer to realizing that I am not really here at all. I guess that is what I am looking for anyway. I want the most pure experience that I can find."

And in a sense I am always listening. Sometimes to myself, more often to the person who doesn't realize that I am.

Shawn has made some additions

Shawn has made some additions to his site which include this project called Gestures. Check out smirk here. All of my friends are so gifted I tell you.

Just firing off random e-mail

Just firing off random e-mail to old friends while I come to a greater understanding of insomnia.

So now I lay me

So now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the fates my soul to do whatever it is that they let souls do... Insomnia makes me strange. I have now decided to get off my ass and starting tomorrow get into making a new site design. Time to get some images from Shawn. That is because he is a bad ass. See earlier post. Goodnight all.

April 19, 2001

Great day today. Good work

Great day today. Good work and a pleasant evening out with Amber from work.

Do you ever have those moments where it all makes sense and you want to tell everyone about it. I am having one of those, but I don't think that I am going to put it up here. If I do that then I fear that I will not have anything new to say for a while. I would much rather forget about it, and rediscover it piece by piece. I will say that I understand that I am not here at all. That makes no sense but trust me when I say that it will when I am done exploring it completely. If you cannot wait send me an e-mail and we can talk about it.

So I get an e-mail

So I get an e-mail from Peter-san today and it is perhaps contains some of the nicest words ever sent in my general direction. Cheers.

And so I begin work on the Project.

OK... so here we are.

OK... so here we are. Work in progress. I didn't think that I would post this, but I am going to anyway. No work on a new site design tonight. I need a break and I feel purged anywho. This is what I have been talking about for a long time. You want to know who I am? This is it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where amazing ideas come to you with such force and conviction that you cannot begin to understand them? Have you experienced the feeling of fear that accompanies such revelations, the fear that you might well loose the moment if you try to understand even the slightest aspect of them? That is what I woke up to today. Not woke up and drug my ass out of bed, but woke up in a much deeper sense. Let me try and relate this all to you, as it has started out so poorly.

I look at my hands. The certainly appear to be my own. I touch things, people. They react. The energy that I apply to the world comes back in some other way. Classical Mechanics will tell you all about this in mathematical equations. I want to tell you about it in an even more true way.

I look out of my own eyes. I experience the momentary and fleeting impressions of things that occurred so little time ago. Optics will explain such phenomenon: reflection, refraction, and absorption. There is much truth to these ideas, but the idea that I wand to share is more true than any of these.

I listen to motors, mumblings, music, a mosaic of sound, an amazing din of confusion. Something inside of me makes sense of these waves. I find things pleasing. Cognition will allow you to understand how my brain might do these things. There is much truth there, but so little.

The interface that I interact with tells me silently, subtly, all about what I am doing and all of the things that are being done to me. I can look closely and see an infinite quantity of interactions. I can look closer and see infinitely more. I can squint my eyes, trying to see the bottom and fail to do so. It is a vast sea that I float upon. Calm waters if I choose to look at them like that.

The universe is so interconnected that the idea that we are singular is ridiculous. The self is a lack of understanding of these connections. Cut someone off in traffic and their mood could cause them to get angry with a coworker. Say something nice to the person in the drive-thru and they might sleep better that night.

When you look at us and human animals we are complete singularly. When you look at us as human beings we are fundamentally incomplete. What makes us human is our ability to interact with other people in ways seemingly unique to the creatures that we know. This makes us, as humans, instrumental in making others human. And it is this instrumentality that an understanding of the interface allows us to seek.

But that is just it. How conscious I am of the interface determines its ability to influence me. As I sink deeper and deeper into it, my feet becoming wet, my toes wiggling in the waters, the more I understand the universe. In doing so, I stop being aware of any division between myself and that which surrounds me. My ego bleeds out into the currents making impressions of me as it goes. How long until there is none of this me left?

I draw comfort in the idea that although there is a finite amount of me to spread out in the waters, that which has left me is still part of me. The distance between one fragment and another does nothing to disturb the continuity of the whole. The density of the self is not a function like most. It is not concerned with the variables of space, but rather those of acceptance. It is through the sinking, the letting go, that you gain everything.

The interface is what draws me in. I live inside of its comforts and pains. Without it, all of these thoughts have no life, they exist in a vacuum of my understanding. The interface that we share allows me to tell you what it is that I am. It allows me the opportunity to give immortality to these words, to share a moment.

As daily I sink deeper into this idea, I get ever closer to living in the moment. The first time that I really looked back on living in the moment, I saw that during the time spent there, I was not really there at all.

The moment has no duration, the present no time. There is past and there is future. The moment exists in the lack of space between the two. In order to be in the moment you have to abandon yourself.

Everyone who has ever loved has existed in the moment. Think about what you truly love to do. Are you there when you are doing it, or perhaps are you somewhere else? I love to drive. I love to write code. When I am doing these things I am not really doing them at all.

My love for them is an appreciation for the feeling, the impression that they leave me with. This impression is not love. This feeling has no description, as it has no duration. And as time approaches the moment, the space that you exist in becomes nothing and your ability to stir the waters, infinite.

April 21, 2001

Fighting my cable modem and

Fighting my cable modem and provider tonight. Damn this whole technology thing.

Krink posts a link to

Krink posts a link to the piece from the other day. You know, the long one. A couple of responses pop up.

One disagrees with what I have to say. Amy tells Krink, "I know when I'm doing something that I absolutely love, that's when I'm feeling the most alive. My body is energized and so is my mind -- there is nothing about me "watching from the outside" or whatever." Funny thing is that we are always seeing what we have done from the outside. At least that is one way to look at it. When we look at what we have done, that is look at our actions in the past, we are looking at them from the outside. I think that we are, for the most part, always just a step ahead of what we have thought and are therefore always looking in from the outside.

Clay counters my little piece by saying that it "reads like a bad combination of bad taoism and mediocre cyberpunk." Yikes!! In addition, for him the piece struck him as "I had an epiphany, see how deep I am now..." He claims that I "wasn't really explaining anything", and I thank him for all of his criticism. I never mean for what I write to come across poorly, especially to someone who can notice the Taoist roots of my world-view. So now it is back to the drawing board. I am going to write Mr. Clay and hopefully open a dialog. Anyone who wants to help is more than welcome to.

Of course in my own defense, the reason that I posted something so incomplete is to get it out there and encourage me to fix the damn thing. I am hoping to turn this idea into something a little more concrete and my Peter-san is considering a little colaboration to give this idea another medium. Thanks for the feedback people.

BTW, new site design in

BTW, new site design in route... please hold.

OK so come to find

OK so come to find out that my web provider does not support the wonderful #include directive. I am curently waiting to hear back from them about maybe getting this enabled. I have just completed the single post template which can be had at here. I am working on the frontpage right now. The image work is killing me. I need so much more practice with photoshop it is sick. Thanks to Shawn for permission to use his images from efficiency. It is his work that makes my site shiney.

Edited 04.22.01 7:34pm: removed link as site is now up.

Looks like blogger is hurting

Looks like blogger is hurting today. Just wanted to get a link to the new frontpage up before I went out tonight. If I can get the includes working correctly then it will be wonderful. If not then I have a whole lot of design work left to do. Still needing to be completed are the picture windows, and all of info pages. I should be able to wrap this all up by tomorrow night. That and I am not going into work tomorrow anyway. So there we are. Have a good night kids, papa needs a new pair of shoes.

Edited 04.22.01 7:33pm: link to page removed as the site is up.

April 22, 2001

My Tiny God, which is

My Tiny God, which is to say my digital companion, my PC, has returned to its full featured glory. It is wonderful to back on the 2 monitor rig. Once you go there you just cannot go back.

Site will be going down

Site will be going down for a bit while I get the new look in. Please hold.

ok... here we are. i

ok... here we are. i really hope that all of you like the new site design, the fates know that i put enough time and energy into it. i already know that my mom (who indeed reads this babbling) is not the most keen on it. guess that if enough people don't like it, then i might just consider changing it. of course i would need more art. any volunteers?

but all that aside it was a wonderful weekend of no work and web work. i guess this might be the last real weekend off that i have before all of the crunch begins. alpha is coming up and i really cannot wait. although it will be more work than ever, we will be feature complete going in. that means nothing but bugs (or as dr. page always said, defects) to take care of. some of the stuff that i am working on will be shown at E3 and that makes me really excited and nervous. those features not only have to be solid, they have to be polished into a shiny state. oh well that is for work and all.

so next week i will be revisiting my work in progress project. i am really excited about this despite the mixed and non-response that I have received on it. well... time to sign off. goodnight all.

April 23, 2001

exhaustion sets in today. was

exhaustion sets in today. was just up plain too late last night. but tonight... thonight is going to be different. chuck tells me that the font curently being used is hard to read. i will be tweaking some more today. feedback people.

OK, so the site is

OK, so the site is all fixed now. No more changes for a while, hopefully. Got some feedback to work in progress from some of my best, smartest friends. I will digest tomorrow and get the skinny and an update up tomorrow. So for anything of interest tonight you will have to read the comics (it is monday after all) in the links and the other blogs. Watch Peter-san's animations if you have not.

April 24, 2001

how krink found it i

how krink found it i will never know, but sodaplay is such a cool toy.

had the wonderful opertunity to

had the wonderful opertunity to talk to brandi tonight on the phone for just a short time. not really sure what i want to say about that. the conversation was cut short due to roommates parentals calling, but it was wonderful to hear her voice. something about knowing that the people that you care about are doing ok. like when chuck sends me mail, or peter-san. when you think for a moment about how much life can pass by in just a day, when you don't talk to people of months catching up can seem overwelming. but with those people who matter, it is never so important to catch up. it just seems like it may have been too long since you last talked.

i just realized how far all of my friends are from me and from each other. i wish i owned an island. that would rule. sleepy time.

"1:21:02," my phone says, "blink...

"1:21:02," my phone says, "blink... blink." have you ever wondered about how the passage of time leads you to where you are? i think about it a lot. i don't think that i am in the same class of bad-asses that some people that i know are. so i am forced to count myself as lucky in life. i am not sure if this is a lack of confidence on my part, or just some small amount of modesty. i have never been very good at taking a complement. it makes me feel like the people complementing me might expect more like that in the future and i am all about no expectations.

what i can say with a clean consence is that i am lucky. the fates appear to like me since i am pretty damn lucky. as isamu once said, "luck is one of my many skills." so i tend to think about how lucky i have been to be where i am. thank you to all of you who have inspired, set the bar higher, and drug me down. i don't expect any of you to do these things, but i wouldn't feel right if i let them go without comment. without you i certainly would not love all of this living nearly as much as i do...

feedback land...
when i ask for feedback it certainly comes pouring in. i think that the format of what i am writing here will slowly change. i like talking about things that i am thinking. people have said that i have gotten better at this whole weblog thing since i started. i like to think so. i don't disavow anything that exists in the archives and i have never once deleted a single post. so there is a new link going up on the linked lists called discussions this is where i am going to post all of the discussions that are started because of feedback from people who write to me. thanks guys, you have wonderful minds and souls.

on that note i am off to add the new page and get margaret's thread on islands started. after that a nice walk to the store for more smokes and some cartoons before bed. peter-san, i will get to your thoughts tomorrow and get some revisions in on work in progress. that i promise you.

April 25, 2001

the real story of a

the real story of a wayward bed
i once owned this bed. i was much younger and i think that the bed had belonged to my mother before i got it. when brandi and i moved in together in the summer of 1997 the bed made the move from dallas to norman. before that it was all cramped in a twin bed. on the trip up the bed fell out on I-35, "splat" between 2 lanes of traffic screaming along at 70 mph. lance pulled over the truck and i jumped out and into traffic holding the bed up on the striped lines. the bed made it to norman in one piece, although a little wet from a shower.

after that the bed moved several times into and out of the dorms and several apartments. then i got my current bed, which is wonderful (sorry mom). the bed went to robert where it stayed for a time until he left norman. goldbug gets the bed next and she hangs onto it for a year or so. now i find out that margaret is getting the bed. funny how things like that travel between friends. totally forgot about that bed years ago and find out that it is still around.

linkland insomnia
check out the like to things better left unsaid it is an anti-journal that i am going to participate in.
discussion putters on at krink's site about work in progress. see the discussion for the post on 04.20.01.

sometimes it really amazes me

sometimes it really amazes me that people can be so dense about realizing things about the people that they know. you could claim to be my friend and yet read something that i write or say as being a desperate shout out from depression. it helps when you open your ears and your eyes and maybe even your heart a little. they all listen as well as your mind can anyway. of course this is just an observation, it has happened recently although not directly to me.

update to work in progress as promised. made some improvements to it. think that the ideas are coming together. thanks to peter-san for the support and chuck for the critique.

ideas from peter-san
"you're talking about a conscious, deliberate abandonment of the Model as the ultimate goal of human civilization, the liberation of the conscious mind from the constraints of translating information while processing it."

yes, that is what i am talking about more or less. i think that the idea of a conscious and deliberate abandonment of a model which is defined by an understanding of the self, a paradox. the conscious abandoning of the couscousness is not the way i think. i would venture to say that it is just something that happens. a break from trying so damn hard and just letting go. but you are certainly dead on when you talk about freeing the mind from the translation duties and moving on to the understanding role that it was made for. comfort in the body and comfort in the mind.

April 26, 2001

more back and forth with

more back and forth with peter-san (not the old in-out, in-out)
peter-san sends me a mail with a couple of links to the research done with the wire-mommy monkey. in case you are not familar, this research observed that baby monkeys raised by themselves are monkey by genetics, but not by behavior. as he says, "more Dr. Byrd in that existentialism class: you are what you do." and i totally agree with this idea. you are what you do, and your humanity comes from your interactions with others. humanity is not a collection of singular and complete individuals so much as it is a singular, complete collection of individuals.

online writing and the mistake that it might be bitching
the back and forth on krink's site has reached a point where i need to make a comment. i can understand how someone reading something like my page or any on-line journal might see this forum as bitching or whining or exhibitionist. clay claims (in the discussion of this post) how he feels that "trying to put your deepest emotional feelings online is rather base. Personally, I think it cheapens it, makes it into a display. It turns us all into voyeurs, and your feelings into a performance." i think that this is a completly understandable idea. i certainly don't agree with what he thinks, but i understand where he is coming from. if i would not go ahead and tell you the same things that i post here in person, then i would be hiding behind the medium. but even if i don't know you and you wanted to talk to me about these things i would tell you. there is nothing that i say here that i would not say anywhere else. and the real difference is that you choose to read this, just as you would choose to talk to me. if you feel like clay, feel free to never visit again, but at least try and understand where i am coming from.

thursday link madness
are you a pusher or a shover? maybe you have bread shoved down your throat. strangeness inside. pointed toward by pwd.
although in chinese, i got a little kick out of these antics. and no, you don't have to install the language plug-in. thanks schnugins.

April 29, 2001

another weekend has come and

another weekend has come and gone and crunch starts tomorrow for alpha. this basically translates to long work days, catered dinners, and general wackiness in reguards to what i write here. it also means a freeze on anything else interesting in my life. just so that there is a frame of reference there is a new picture so that we can all see what i look like in after as opposed to before. i like crunch time. it affords me time not to think about some things like:

how sometimes a little reasuring is the last thing you need
i went out on friday with some friends from work. just a little place not far from my apartment where there are pool tables and cheap beer. and lo and behold there is a very pretty waitress working at said bar which makes for some good distraction when the conversation is slow and the pool table is in use by some other players in the group. despite all my reservations about aproaching people in a bar setting (meat market and all) and especially people in their workplace, i set out to start a short conversation with the pretty beer goddess.

come to find out that she is a grad student in english and a really interesting conversationalist to boot, in as much as i could tell in the very short span of the snippets that we talked. i told her that i would give her my number so that we could go and grab coffee sometime to really talk. this seemed the best thing that i could do, i didn't want to come off as one of the many people who i am sure try to get her number in the course of an evening. suprising to me, and to her to some degree, she gave me her number as well.

so this little bit of reassurance in terms of my atractiveness (mental and physical) was wonderful. an amazing boost to my confidence, and at the same time something much less pleasant. it made me to realize just how alone i am most of the time. what i mean to talk about here is not some pity trip, but rather a brief bit on how you can avoid the things in your life that you are not happy with as long as you are not reminded of them. talking to this beautiful person made me to realize how few beautiful people i have in my life and how much i seek just that. i am a happy individual, but i want to be a happy human. my solution to the current situation: eyes, ears open and patence.

how about you people? ever had the realization that something is lacking in your life because of a wonderful experience? a double-edged understanding maybe? spill it.

May 1, 2001

finding you voice or at

finding you voice or at least why you have one
chuck says that i am finding my voice here. he tells me that my writing is coming across much more naturally in the last couple of weeks. he then asks me, "Writing in any medium is a great joy, isn't it?" this honestly made me to think. would i feel such a need to write these things if i had someone to talk to about all of them? i replied to him saying, "nope." but then i really started to think about it. i would keep this here even if i had someone to share all of these ideas with. this forum has become a vital part of my thinking process, giving perminance to my thoughts and passing ideas. so i take it all back. i like this. if one person had a new look on something or even a smile because of it, it is all worth it. of course it is already worth it because my sanity is better for it.

i could write a million

i could write a million things about my day, but all in all it can be summed up like this: "One step forward, two steps back." Oh well, at least there is tomorrow.

May 2, 2001

confidence is a wierd thing.

confidence is a wierd thing. i believe that there are 2 kinds: the kind of the self and the kind of others. when it comes to myself i am confident. i learn new things easy and am able to deal with situations of all kinds. when it comes to my confidence with others, it is something else entirely. i think the easiest way to put it is that i am afraid that one misplaced word could give a world of wrong ideas. of couse this fear keeps me out of situations and so now it is going to stop. what brought this on you might ask? well it has something to do with...

the mysterious providence of a phrase -or- sometime it is the smallest unintentional thing that matters most
a good friend kristen writes to me to tell me what she thinks about a trend in what i am writing and, in general, where my like is going. The analogy she spins goes like this: "It is kind of like making a list of bills to pay and a corresponding budget for the upcoming months so you can feel more confident about being able to pay them off. In the end, you are where you were when you began writing your budget. You may feel a sense of accomplishment, but you haven't really taken steps to appease your situation, have you?" You know what? she is absolutly right. thank you for your kind words and your encouragement. i really have not been balenced as of late. i am quick to retreat into the comfort of my ideas. i need more experience and i need to stop being so damn wimpy about it.

has someone ever come to you and said the exact right thing even if they didn't intend it? maybe a passing word or phrase that changed your outlook or just your day for the better?

May 3, 2001

funny how people can come

funny how people can come back into your life. i am surfing the internet for and old friend i went to highschool with and just happen to check a stray lead on an even older friend. lo' and behold the mail addy i have in the back of my brain is good and i get the wonderful oppertunity to talk to her. funny thing is that she had just talked about me to a friend of hers yesterday. wierd.

what do you think about the providence of life and its strange cycles. people come and go and end up together again. multiple passes to get things right.

p.s. feeling more myself today.

p.s. feeling more myself today. sorry for the brief delay of craziness.

Sorry that there is nothing

Sorry that there is nothing today. I took in a stray. i figure i will see if he likes it here. if he does then he can stay as long as he likes. if he doesn't then i will take him back to where i found him with a new flea colar and a full tummy. he even took well to the bath that i had to give him to get rid of the fleas.

day 4 of crunch was good. i will make it. all it will take is a little more work.

May 5, 2001

working on a saturday again.

working on a saturday again. at least sleep was kind last night. the new cat looks like she will stick around. a couple of people have asked what i am going to name her. i can honestly say that i have not really thought about that yet. i was mostly concerned that she would want to stay before i would have had the audacity to give her a name. so maybe in a couple of days. she certainly is wonderful. very relaxed and affectionate.

day 6 of crunch. work is coming along nicely. i am feeling a bit of pressure as milestone gets closer. especially since some of the stuff that i am working on will be on display at E3. life is good though. back into perspective.

May 8, 2001

still alive... so close now...

still alive... so close now...

May 9, 2001

with the long hours at

with the long hours at work and some problems with blogger, i have been a very bad boy and unable or uninterested in posting anything as of late. my brain is a mess of coding issues and ideas, my body is tired. i am ok though. we are making it through all of the stuff. it is going to be good, no, it is going to be great. and that is all there is to it.

i have decided upon a name for the cat who lives with me. i think that i will call her rei. i would say that it is her name, but i do not think that you really can name cats. they have a personality all their own and you just choose a name so that you don't feel like an idiot when you talk about them. rei is learning how to be indoor outdoor now. there are several other friendly cats in the area so i think that she will like it just fine. i was going to let her out this morning, but she didn't seem all that interested. she is out now, and i will try to get her back in before bed. maybe she will learn to poop on the outside, then i wouldn't have to clean the litterbox and that would just rock.

an analogy of my state of being -or- internal combustion for anyone
i like the team "running hot" for what i have been doing lately. it kinda goes like this. in an internal combustion engine, like the one in any automobile or lawnmower, rotational energy if created by converting a linear motion of the pistons. this linear motion is created by generating a controlled explosion that drives the pistons in the engine down away from the cylinder head. in order to get more energy from this explosion, you can adjust the fuel to air mixture. in an ideal mixture, the burn is complete, and a very powerful explosion can be generated. The concequence of a more complete burn is more heat. this heat can lead to the deterioration of the oil in the engine and the components as well. When an engine is running like this it is said to be "running hot".

when i am crunching like i am now, i am running very hot. i can do this for some time (sometimes months) but it is a very costly way of operating. for the last three days i have really been pushing myself to my limits. it feels really good to get so much stuff done, but it is taking its toll on me in many ways. i will survive, but i felt the need to explain how my brain feels right now.

May 12, 2001

well the weekend has arived

well the weekend has arived once again and here we are. E3 is creaping up and i have so much to do. the work is wonderful though. i am feeling quite a bit more rested after 10 hours of sleep last night. not that i feel rested at all, just not so much like i am going to fall over and die. pretty soon it will be alpha time and then it will be pretty busy still. after that it is into beta and busy. but once we ship it should be much better, before we gear up to do it all over again. i think that i am going to take a trip here in a couple of weeks. just a junket away from florida and out into the rest of the world. that is my intention. speaking of intentions...

a quick grip on intention -or- don't tell me you will call and then not...
i was talking to a guy last night about the state of my interactions with a girl. how she gave me her number without me asking for it and how flattering that was. about how we talked on the phone and it seemed like everything was pretty cool. about how she said that she would call on several occations and alas has not. we talked about the game and how people don't like to reject others. instead they let them get their hopes up that there might be something there when in fact there is not. so we take a quick survey of the one girl standing near us. we ask her if she would do something like this and she says that she already, that night had given someone a fake number. talk about chance. be honest people, save others the wasted thought if you are not interested.

what about you? ever given someone the fake number? ever led someone along believing that you would call them? spill it.

May 13, 2001

check out shawn's new gesture

check out shawn's new gesture twitch here. zany wackiness from sleep dep.

now i lay me down to sleep,
i pray the fates my luck to keep,
and if luck leave before i wake
i pray the fates a cake to make.

May 16, 2001

sometimes survival is all you

sometimes survival is all you can ask for. i did. and that is all for today.

May 17, 2001

well back to normal living.

well back to normal living. i am curently taking a break from the cleaning of my apartment. a recovery if you will. the place has fallen into quite a state of disarray over the last couple of weeks. of course when you consider that i have spent more time at work then here it begins to make a bit more sense. speaking of, we have slipped quietly into alpha and are now in bug elimination mode. it is nice to be out from under such a weight. there was a whole lot of work that went into making our product ready for E3 and i have to say that we are kicking major ass. 'nuf said.

unfortunatly with the overall drain on my psyche, i am at a loss for anything signifigant to put here. it will come again, just give me a little while. and to all of you who have outstanding mail with me, just wait, i am on it.

May 18, 2001

perhaps the only interesting and

perhaps the only interesting and substantial thought that i have had in the last 2 weeks:
pain and heartache will find you no matter how much you try to stay in you shell. one of the best things about opening up is that you can at least face them on your own terms.

May 21, 2001

i would say that i

i would say that i am sorry about not keeping up this page, but really i am not. i have not had anything signifigant to say and i don't want to revert to writing crap in order to fill the space. of course, i would be the first to admit that much of what i waste bits on here is indeed crap...

so today i did something really silly and fulfilled a small dream. i am going to hold out until i can give a more complete presentation but surfice to say that 4 circles are involved as is much sun and wind and then there is that thing with the the number 225 and a double letter toward the end of the alphabet.

May 28, 2001

well, i said that i

well, i said that i was going to make a more complete presentation. and i guess that an explanation is in order while i do. to put it in a nutshell, last week i went out and got a new car. not really a car, but an automobile that i have been dreaming about for a long time. she is increadibly sexy and fast. she is an Audi TT Roadster. a breautiful convertable and a wonderful and fast drive to boot. sporting a 1.8 litre dual intercooled 4 cylinder, she puts out a quick 225 horses. 6-speed manual and a wonderfuly tight ride makes her a splendid drive. there are pictures up in the images section. feel free to check out.

May 29, 2001

blogger crawls and so do

blogger crawls and so do things here and there. work is good, but you have heard that all before.

time for a reflective personal moment. i slept like shit last week. i have been feeling really guilty about making the purchase of my new car. it is a whole lot. i have gotten comments ranging from "you know that you are going to yuppie hell..." to "you rich kids make me sick." while these comments were made in good fun and were not intended as insult, they still reflected my own thoughts about what i had done. everyone i know tells me that i am being a bit silly about my feelings. they keep telling me that it is one of the only times in my life when i will be able to do something like this. i know that this is the case, but i still feel like i have perhaps done something silly...

and an obligitory veiled comment: "of course we can all just dance, but don't expect me to be completely happy with an outcome as a result of a situation that i have not encouraged or agree with..."

May 31, 2001

watching files stream by in

watching files stream by in a compile window. listening to Artful Dodger. tired, but sleep is on the horizon soon. of course sooner than that is the wonderful drive home avoiding the rather nasty traffic that was reported to me on I-4. hoping that the trip home at least has e-mail for me that will ease my tired eyes while straining them at the same time. and you thought that you pulled some hours. of course, compared to some of the crazy cats here in the office, i really don't work at all.

gave my dad a little talking to today. you see, he failed to call me back on a couple of occations over the last few days. it is always interesting when you can participate in a little role reversal for the hell of it. of course all of the grief that i gave him was in jest, but it was thought provoking all the same. what if we all, at least once a week or so, did something like this. for example, a police officer pulls you over and when you he asks "Do you know how fast you were going?", you reply with "Do you know how fast YOU were going?" of course if this lands your ass in jail, pass the blame to someone else.

June 1, 2001

shawn sporting a new look,

shawn sporting a new look, sharp as ever. peter-san sporting a couple of new "spaz" animations. and i am sporting the beginnings of a perspective change.

some people are really beautiful. not just beautiful as in "hot in the pants" beautiful, but something more. i am beginning to realize why i am drawn to some people over others. i have been fortunate over the years to have met people who really embody a certain energy and carefree-ness (have to love made up words) that i seem to feed upon. being a poor self starter does not help at all. these kinds of people are my muse. they encourage and inspire. i can only be thankful for those that i have found, and can only hope that i find many more.

i still believe that it takes about 24 hours of communication with someone before you can reach a common language. it is always amusing to me how fun those 24 hours of confusion are.

June 3, 2001

a proof of the self

a proof of the self by reduction. remove everything that you are not and you will be left with what you are. i am not a prep. i do not appreciate nice pants and dress shirts. i go not like rules and expectations. i love the idea of breaking stereotypes by getting out of my nice car in my cargo pants and tee-shirts. i love being sucessful despite apearance and expectation. i love the look on people's faces when they get to know me. screw the rules. here is to being yourself no matter what.

i have been hearing from

i have been hearing from a couple of people that i need to accept my position in life as a young professional. that my responsibilities to my job and my lifestyle somehow dictate and require a style of living that is "older" than the one that i am currenly comfortable with. i do not agree with this idea of living. it is true that i may not be able to be a college kid anymore, but that does not mean that i cannot continue to live with that mindset. i do not under any circumstances wish to be the kind of person who cannot relate to anyone just because i have had the fortune to be sucessful. what an amazing feeling driving into work this morning with the biggest smile on my face and a greater sense of understanding as to who i am and what i want.

June 5, 2001

a local muse tells me

a local muse tells me that i am successful. i of course resist this idea fearing stagnation upon the achievement of my goals. she provides another way of looking at it. success is not a destination. it is not that you are successful or not, but a transitory state, a path. you are successful if you are walking a path of success. interesting idea and in those terms, i guess i am successful.

June 7, 2001

gibson is a bad ass

gibson is a bad ass and script kiddie suck. check it.
radioactive vibrators?

made it throught the mountain of mail. been trying to get out and hang with people in the evening instead of coming home straight away. of course that means that i pile up the mail until i sit down and get rid of it all. work is rockin'.

holy cow. i found the

holy cow. i found the image that i want to use as the basis for my tatoo. now i get to clean it up and perhaps this weekend... won't the parents (yeah, my parents read this too) love this post.

i really like being laid back and not have any expectations.

June 9, 2001

well looking at aqua, i

well looking at aqua, i cannot say that i am all that impressed. that and this keyboard sucks ass.

June 10, 2001

sometimes it is easy to

sometimes it is easy to put our mindset into a simple category. one such catigorization is that of "mind mode" and "body mode". i can feel myself starting to get back into body mode after a long visit to headspace. it is pretty damn cool since i am feeling a lot better for it.

alpha, alpha rah, rah, rah...

June 12, 2001

something awful/funny full on crunch

something awful/funny

full on crunch time. 15 days to beta. 11+ hour days maditory.

June 15, 2001

crunch, crunchy. had an observer

crunch, crunchy. had an observer in the workplace today, although i doubt that she got a good look at what i do since it was so short. oh well.

12 days and counting til beta. in 3 weeks i will be better.

June 21, 2001

17 hour day. yikes. i

17 hour day. yikes. i need to wash some socks. looks like another sandal day tomorrow.

June 24, 2001

alive, but not by much...

alive, but not by much... beta in 3 days.

June 25, 2001

almost there... funny, even with

almost there... funny, even with this horrible regression into nothingness (the site that is) people are still reading it. well, thanks to all of you.

saw 3 cop cars tearing out of a Dunkin' Dognuts parking lot tonight on the way home. funny, funny.

June 28, 2001

kickin' it hardcore. knockin' them

kickin' it hardcore. knockin' them bugs like they was nothin'.

June 29, 2001

not there yet, but almost

not there yet, but almost to bed...

July 4, 2001

thank you to all of

thank you to all of you who have been sending me "keep the faith" mail. i have made it almost to the very end as the long alpha now has become a beta. barring misfortune, i will be having a day off tomorrow (today). so when i go to sleep tonight, i will finally be able to get out of bed when i am damn well ready. boy is that going to feel good.

September 9, 2001

two months have passed. i

two months have passed. i was certain to have given up on this, but i think that i have some more to do with it. new posts coming, just in case you are still reading...

September 11, 2001

i am not sure what

i am not sure what to say right here, right now. with the events of today our lives will certianly never be the same. it will be one of those moments where you will look back and say, "i remember where i was when..." i remember where i was when the Oklahoma City Bombing occured, it was nothing compared to this. what i struggle with is the lack of humanity in these people. i can understand doing what you believe to be right, but the loss of life is inexcusable. i am not sure what i think is the right form of "justice" for this kind of action, but that is certainly something we all will have to think about in the days and weeks to come.

my best wishes go out to those families and friends effected by the events of today. be well.

September 15, 2001

today is a blue jeans

today is a blue jeans day...

todays laundry list (excluding laundry):

  • so my little sis is the big 21 today. i hope mom and dad are taking it well.
  • slipping into a more routine and realistic schedule.
  • went to a really bad museum yesterday and saw the largest collection of Tiffany lamps in the world. all i have to say about that is the arts and crafts movement sucks(ed).
  • trying to roll my sleep cycle back around although staying out late and meeting people does not help that out all that much.
  • conversations are good and validation feels even better.
  • i once said that i believe the earth to be human's dominion. now i would have to say that it is more our habitat, although not in some humanity sacrificing kind of way.

September 17, 2001

been working on music to

been working on music to drive by volume 1 instead of working on a new site design. current playlist:
  • Battersea - Hooverphonic
  • Offshore - Chicane
  • Perl's Girl - Underworld
  • Southside - Moby
  • Weapon of Choice - Fatboy Slim
dunno when i will get this one done.

the weather was absolutly nearly perfect yesterday. i spent this evening reading and drinking coffee, wonderful stressfree evening. still looking for a good dive to drink coffee and read in. perferably a place with a patio and cushy chairs, although i think that i will deal as long as i can smoke. good coffee is also strictly optional but good company perfered. i am beginning to feel my stride returning. i probably will begin to write again soon.

the weekend was full of adventure, but i don't think that 3 nights out in a row is good on the body. this is shaping up to be a good week.

September 22, 2001

busy weekend. post tomorrow.

busy weekend. post tomorrow.

September 23, 2001

well i suppose that i

well i suppose that i should post something as i said yesterday that i was going to post today. it was a good weekend. i got out and about and managed to stay out of trouble. i think that i would have liked to find some trouble to get into, but that will probably happen all its own. had a wonderful conversation with the maternal unit today (mom) about all kinds of things. i am not sure if you have a good relationship with your parentals, but if you don't and you care to, i would recomend it. or mine just rock, whichever. today was also a minor e-mail hell as i finally got back to a ton of people that i had been meaning to all week. i dunno... i would rather send someone a thought out and good e-mail then a couple of lines in quick response.

this looks to be an interesting week. thursday is my 24th and i am taking that day and friday off of work. not sure what strange variety of trouble i intend to get into, but hopefully it will be fun. i may just cut out of town and hit up the beach for a couple of days, read a good book and catch some sun. that would be really nice. maybe i will just go out and allow my friends to lay the hurt on me. it could go either way.

talked to my dad today about the effects of the September 11th incidents. i am still not sure how i have reacted to them. they are very much real to me and feel sadness over the extreme loss of life and innocence both then and coming soon. at the same time i hope that the recent resurgance of patriotism lasts long past the eventual military rebuttal to the attacks. everyone has been effected. everyone will remember.

oh, yeah. got to see the tenacious d on thursday. they say it and i tend to agree that they are in fact "the greatest band in the world". never before have i been rocked so hard by 2 slightly overweight guys with accoustic guitars. more on the show in my next post.

September 24, 2001

i have been laid out

i have been laid out on my couch all day today. i have some variety of the walking death wherein i am suffering from a nasty fever that just will not break. i went into work this morning but had to leave i was nearly passed out at my desk. feeling crappy, well, is crappy. hopefully i will feel better in the morn' so that i can go and work?

so yeah, the tenacious d concert. these guys are really good. seen the movie high fidelity? remember the angry clerk in the record store? that is Jack Black. he has one hell of a set of pipes on him for real. his partner in rockin' is Kyle Gass. they are incredibly irreverent and are funny as hell. when i got to the show i was not sure why the house of blues was so packed. why were all of these screeming fans there? what was up with the messed up demographic that they represented? why where there so many people at my work completly pumped about the show? it didn't take me long to understand. after watching the episodes of the hbo show i finally understood how these guys could claim to be the greatest band in the world. check them out if you get the chance.

so i am off to do some dieing now.

102.6 degrees. yukky...

102.6 degrees. yukky...

September 25, 2001

so i felt better when

so i felt better when i got up this morning but after being at work for a couple of hours started to feel crappy again, so i came home and have been laying around, my fever has passed again and i will probably try and get to sleep soon. i will probably take tomorrow off as well and try to kick this thing once and for all. here is to hoping. i really would hate to be sick on my birthday. I almost forgot to thank mom for telling me what i needed to do when i called her last night. it is amazing how your mom's words can make you feel all the better when you are not well. THANKS MOM!!

September 27, 2001

went to work today, but

went to work today, but made it to the doctor about my nice illness. now i have nothing against modern medicine. i think it is great. i don't fear doctors or any of that, but there is something about it that i don't like. i think that my body is a pretty good little machine. it does a hell of a job taking care of itself. i avoid most medicines and whatnot. sometimes, when i am really sick like i am not, i bite the bullet. i could have told you before making the apointment what they were going to tell me and what they were going to perscribe. sinus infection, yup, antibiotics, check, expectorant, right on. at least my co-pay is small.

one of these days really soon, i am going to have a profound thought. and when i do, damnit, you guys are going to be the first to get a taste of it. perhaps i will get to work on that piece that i started so long ago. yeah, right... i will probably just curl up with a book and some laundry and watch tv and drink more water.

September 28, 2001

birthdays... heh. i had a

birthdays... heh. i had a great birthday. i got up a little late, took a shower, and started up some laundry. then i chatted with a new friend online for a bit before venturing out for some breakfast food. it wasn't that good on account of my broken sense of smell. i came back and continued my part in the activity of changing dirty clothing into clean clothing and sent some e-mail and chatted some more. a trip to a friends house a little later found me in some conversation and the removal of a cieling fan. nothing like working over your head in the aid of your friends. after that it was some quality time with another good friend who lost his job today. 1:00am finds me home again closing the deal for a closet full of clean garments and a fresh set of sheets. maybe it is just me, and it very well could be, but this is a nice way to spend a day that i think is no more significant than any other, except that i take the day off work.

so i don't know. it is kinda hard for some of my friends and most of my family to understand why i don't really celebrate my birthday or any other holidays. i mean i visit my family during the holiday season and i make sure and call and all of that. i think at the root of this lack of endorcement lies the same justification that i use to explain my lack of belief in the institution of marrage. why do we feel the need to enshroud something good and profound in a larger thing to make it more significant? why do we need to take a relationship founded on the love of two people and have some ceremony and contract to make it something more? why do we need to take a day that has no real importance to me and try and add ritual and tradition that has been corrupted over the generations? there are too many holidays, and certainly too many hallmark holidays. maybe if we only had one then i wouldn't be so tired of it all. my advice, pick a day at random and make it your own personal holiday. call or visit your family, give gifts, throw a party. make it important for your own reasons.

and violet, i am reading your site as i type this...

i must be feeling better,

i must be feeling better, my sickness has been overthrown in some sort of non-violent revolt by my insomnia

national guardsmen will be in the airports for a while. fully armed and able to use their weapons. let's hope it doesn't come to that.

  this is my

  this is my favorite color.

September 29, 2001

have you ever had one

have you ever had one of those completely disjoint days? the ones where you feel like you are about 1/2 a second behind what is going on around you? the ones where you find yourself surrounded by interesting people who are really not all that interesting? maybe i didn't get enough sleep, i certainly didn't drink, so i really don't know. maybe it is the medication that the doctor gave me. i really don't know. maybe tomorrow will bring a little more syncronicity with my surroundings. i did get to meet new people, although i am not so sure that i care to see any of them again. at least the food was good.

October 1, 2001

i am a red head.

i am a red head. at least for the time being. i have yet to be able to get a good picture taken so that is why there is none.

i had a great weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. as i said friday was strange, but yesterday and today were outstanding. the weather was pretty rainy yesterday but today was one of those days. maybe you know what i mean. those days that are perfect? i turned off the AC, dropped the top and watched as my mood went up.

i think that i have finished with recovering from crunch. my head feels less crispy and so i should be good to go next week. planned a little trip to austin to the the d with my sis in a few weeks and all is well.

just an idea to think

just an idea to think about and then to post more about... the art of relationships. more tomorrow.

i am exhausted but i

i am exhausted but i give you this to chew on...

the art of relationships
so it is perhaps funny that i make some kind of analogy between relationships and an art. but this really makes sense to me despite the fact that the artists that i have known through the years have had the worst luck in relationships. i think this is normally due to the overwelming drive they have had to persue their art which seems to stifle their ability to express things in their relationships with others. i think that there is truly an art to relationships and that the same rules and aestetics apply to both traditional art and relationship art.

October 2, 2001

i had my first employee

i had my first employee review with tiburon today. it went really well, as it is always good to get feedback from your boss about where you are and what you need to improve on.

for some reason last night I fell asleep around 10:00 and didn't get up until 9:00 this morning. i have absolutly no idea what that was all about but it hopefully helps to make more sense of my post last night. it is something that i will be revisiting although not tonight, because i am again really sleepy. i guess i have been puting in full days at work and that could have something to do with it. maybe my body is still recovering, i really don't know.

October 8, 2001

back after a great weekend.

back after a great weekend. it was really nice to spend time out, throwing darts, and in, relaxing. had the wonderful chance to meet some new people and engage in some interesting conversation. i certainly hope that they take the time to contact me sometime again.

today has been a bit of a needy day. i was hoping for some contact outside of the context of work. that need has not really been filled, but there is a chance that someone will step up.

if i get a clear head a little later i will try and restate something on the art of relationships, if not, tomorrow.

October 9, 2001

blogger is being a pain

blogger is being a pain in the ass... no telling when this post will make it up, but i wrote it tuesday night no matter what it actually says...

and my neighbors really pulled through for me being around and entertaining with good conversation and the like.

i am going to put off talking about the art of relationships instead i am going to talk about a problem that has been bothering me a little bit in the last few days. i realize that i have been engaging in conversations with new people over the last couple of weeks. i have also begun to realize how odd my spoken language can get at times. it takes time for me to explain how i mean things and so i am certain that i come across kinda funny at times. the problem extends to my e-mails as well and that is concerning. an example from an e-mail i sent a un-met acquaintance today:

It is nice to hear that there are people out there taking in culture, which is something that I probably should take up. That being finding people who do those things and following them at a good distance to the event and then sneaking around so that I don't make anyone too uncomfortable. And it is things like that which bring me to the following...

now if you know me, you know what i mean by the odd part about following people. but to someone who really doesn't know me all that well, i can see how this would be really strange, even creepy. so i ask the people that have to deal with my broken language. be as patent as you can, trust me when i say i am safely odd.

ok so it appears that

ok so it appears that whatever was choking blogger has since stopped. i found out that in addition to my bed moving between friends a couple of my shirts have found a new closet in L.A. stranger and stranger...

October 10, 2001

i have a good friend

i have a good friend curt who sends me some strange links sometimes. i think it is time to have his links posted. as he sends more, i will share the wealth. i do not take any credit for finding these, although i always see just what it is that he has found. mom, you might not want to follow these links ...

so it would take me forever to explain what code is. in addition if i could explain that to your satisfaction, it would take me another forever to explain what obfuscated code is. having done that would leave me with one task which makes the others look easy by comparison. that being the task of explaining just what it is that makes this obfuscated code so damn cool. however, if you are a C coder who like to hurt their brain check it. my brain hurts enough to go to sleep now.

October 11, 2001

i think that the whole

i think that the whole sleep thing with me is fucked. i have been trying to sleep different amounts for the last couple of days, and i think that i should just sleep as little as possible during the week and then sleep as much as i can on the weekend. i mean i sleep 6 or 7 or 8 hours and none of it really seems to help. i sleep 9-12 hours on the weekend and still i don't necessarily wake up completely rested. sleep is for the weak(end)...

maybe the problem has something to do with the fact that i am completely without a personal project. one of the cool new neighbors has a little motorcycle that could use some work. she knows quite a bit more about it than i do, but maybe i can convince her to teach me while we fix it up? maybe i should take up cooking, baking or knitting. i hear that in some social circles those are necessary trade skills. but since i am not going to be amish anytime soon, i could prolly pass on the knitting. i still have really been meaning to do a site redesign so maybe i will start on that. i dunno it is just that my energy level is good, but my listless level is peaked. grrr....

i was searching for an

i was searching for an explanation for a new friend about what i mean by validation... i thought that i had made a post but i guess not, which sucks for the conversation, but it good for all you guys and gals out there...

Tonight's Topic: validation -or- three the things other than air, water and food that you need to survive

i am really unhappy with

i am really unhappy with my ability to write over the last couple of weeks. i think i know where i am going though, so hang in there just as i have to.

October 12, 2001

tonight's quote: Good chocolate, it

tonight's quote: Good chocolate, it melts into this divine cream...

so last night i had

so last night i had every intention of writing, but i got distracted by a wonderful conversation with a beautiful person. today should be a pretty quiet day and so i should be able to knock out at least one of the three things that are pending elaboration. maybe...

tonight's quote (violet): You should

tonight's quote (violet): You should learn as many languages as possible, it will increase your opportunities for relationships.

Curt link o' the day: Brad, The Game

October 14, 2001

strange weekend with a staggering

strange weekend with a staggering lack of relaxation due, mostly, to my brain being pretty damn full. the current gravity that i have been experiencing as of late has me feeling loopy. how is that for vague?

October 15, 2001

on an evening when i

on an evening when i could use to talk to the people that i know, none of them has found it necessary to be contactable. instead, i am throwing e-mail out into the void with hopes that when the recipients read the words, they will find something of a smile, or at least a smirk.

i hereby name this weekend the weekend of doors. and if that is not an odd name, i certainly dare you to come up with one more strange out of context. door number 1: john and i decided to go and watch the F1 race at sazuka japan next year. why not? door number 2: new friends, new feelings. door number 3: new friends, new distractions. so my brain is full and once again, the little things in my life have gained full-focus. oh well, nothing that a good conversation or three wouldn't help to clear up.

our world has become one of instant gratification. we can purchase and do and consume on a moment's notice. when things don't end up working out that way, we get antsy and wonder what in the world could be going on. we begin to question all kinds of things looking for a potential explanation as to why this situation did not provide that which we have come to expect. don't get me wrong. situations that cause this are not necessarily ones where some kind of instant gratification is possible much less desirable. it is just with this overbearing sense of speed that we place on our lives that we get used to it, even if we don't really want it.

why are women's clothing sizes in numbers instead of some actual measurement. i mean everytime i buy a pair of pants, i get to find out just how big my waist is.

shots in the dark and nothing really accomplished this weekend. chalk it up to time spent, if not spent as well as it could have been. oh, but at least i updated the archives.

to kill time in the

to kill time in the wee hours of the morning, i have been stalking the other blogs out there... funny thing is, i can actually write decent english. wouldn't mrs. cooke be proud?

work is beginning to gear

work is beginning to gear back up. time to start on the design process for next year. this is a really cool new experience. i get to think all day about how we can do new and exciting things and get an idea about how we can get really cool things into the game so that we can indeed continue to own. it should be interesting to see the new games come out, to see what we can do better than our competition.

i have this really good idea that i got ditched tonight in favor of the company of sleep. not that i blame her, i mean she has a busy life and i completely understand... krink was online tonight for a good chat so that of course really is nice.

thursday takes me to austin which is really exciting. it will be good to get out and relax and read and do nothing. i will get to see my little brother play a baseball game as well as take in a concert. it should help me get ready for the design process where i will be getting back into work mode. not crunch mode thank goodness.

inspired by a wonderful and beautiful new friend, i think that i am going to start writing an introduction to c programming. something kind of short and just as much for instruction as for explanation as to what i do. maybe i can capture a bit of what i see as the beauty and art of programming. maybe not. of course work in progress should really get some working on too. maybe i will print that bitch and take it with me on my little jaunt.

and on that note, i close...

October 16, 2001

so i have decided to

so i have decided to start studying japanese again. it is just amazing how much of this wonderful language i have forgotten since i was in class so long ago.

when i heard that violet was not going to get to go to her concert on her b-day i got really sad. so i decided that next friday was as good of a day as any to take off work and go to miami. i mean why not right? it is the least i can do for a new friend.

nothing else exciting tonight...

October 18, 2001

off to austin. i will

off to austin. i will probably post while i am out there.

October 23, 2001

jet lag kept me up

jet lag kept me up late last night. i am going to go to bed and post tomorrow maybe.

October 24, 2001

Curt link-o-matic (standard disclaimer applies

Curt link-o-matic (standard disclaimer applies here):

scott of pvp says a

scott of pvp says a friend of his has come up with 2 simple questions which can determine if you have just purchased a game or a new addiction:
1.) Can you pause it? and...
2.) Does it ever end?

one of the reasons that i find this funny is last week saw the launch of a new MMPORPG (or Massively Multi-Player Online Role Playing Game) called Dark Ages of Camelot. several of the guys at the office are already loosing much sleep to explore this new game, and i am not one of them. the reason for this is simple, i played a MMPORPG right as we were finaling called Anarchy Online. The game was great and sickeningly addictive. fortunatly for me, i got bored with the game as it really didn't have all that much depth. it helped me to understand a whole lot the nature of the addiction to these games. i kinda describe it like this:

most people consider marajuana a gateway drug. it leads you to bigger and more hardcore drug usage. imagine that your experiences with your gateway drug were really great at first. they left you thinking, "wow, i don't need a real life any more, i have this virtual one. and it is fun!!" but then you kinda just got bored. so you quit. but the strange thing is, having been addicted to something that you were able to throw away, you got a really good idea into the nature of addiction, and just decided that it wasn't really worth it.

that's what AO was for me, a glimpse at how addictive a game could be. thank god it sucked, otherwise i doubt that i would be posting right now, as i would probably still be in bed, trying to get some sleep after having been up until all hours.

last night i had a long conversation with a new friend and i had the privilage of getting in that strange zone where i am just talking but not really thinking about what i am saying. i really don't know if i can explain what this feels like. i mean i am aware that i am talking, but it is kinda like coding. it is almost as if there is something external to my conscious mind working my mouth or my hands. maybe it is kinda like i am channeling something, or maybe it is just the real me that my brain gets in the way of. no matter what the case is, it is always really cool to get into that zone, even if i don't really remember anything that i said. i think that i offended a little bit, but that was probably because we haven't reached the magic 24 hour communication line yet.

just took a silly little

just took a silly little test sent to me by violet. it evaluated my geekiness as so:

I AM 30% GEEK.

I probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. I never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But I have friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the GEEK Test

October 25, 2001

so my computer crashed about

so my computer crashed about 3 times last night. i noticed a sponteneous reboot the other day from the living room. this kinda has me concerned as i really don't have any desire to fix this problem. oh well.

so it is certainly no Jana's, but Thai House on Colonial is a fine thai eatery. they also raised an eyebrow when i ordered it "thai hot" which was about 75% of the hurt that jana used to put on me when i went in there. i recomend it as an alternative to visiting oklahoma if you happen to be in the orlando area.

so i thought about getting up again at 7:30 this morning, but instead got up at 9:00. i think that my body is now letting me go to sleep around 1:30 in the morning which is pretty cool by me. i mean i get to watch toonami midnight run, so there is always that. tomorrow takes me to ft. laude to see reel big fish and goldfinger with my friend who i have seen 9 times (i think that is right), violet who is celebrating her big 22nd birthday. should be fun, drive and all.

i need a hair cut and the car will need an oil change when i get back from the trip. i have about a million docs that i need to write for work. and all i really want to do is zone. oh well... time to get writing.

October 26, 2001

so my machine is being

so my machine is being a bitch. it keep blue screening itself all to hell about every half hour. i will get around to fixing it sometime, since it is cutting into my return to castle wolfenstein demo playing.

note to bill in case you are reading this. get in touch with me you bitch. i would hate to have to call your mom to track your ass down.

i spent all day today writing just 1 doc for work. it is a monsterous thing, but done hopefully. friday is a day off, yeah. and on a side note, i really love the old loony toon travelogues. they are just too much.

October 29, 2001

sunday night/monday morning after a

sunday night/monday morning after a really long weekend. not just a long weekend in the sense that it was a 3-dayer, but more like a long weekend in there was a lot to see and hear and do.

friday was 400'ish miles to and from ft. laudersdale. a nice little jaunt for a concert and a b-day celebration for violet. met an interesting cat named tim before the show and was probably enlightened a little more than necessary by his apartment than i should have been. it is pretty interesting what you can learn about people just by sitting in the middle of and looking around their room.

i should have know that something was up when we got to the show. there were not all that many cars in the lot and then i noticed a strange phenomenon that i hadn't seen in quite some time, people being dropped off by their parents. things were looking interesting for this show. until the music picked up it was really strange to be surrounded by so many younger people. kind of like feeling very out of place. but i had a really good time.

satuday i had the chance to hang out with my friend ben in the afternoon before finding myself at another party where i felt completely out of place. we were late for that one and probably a good thing too. after having a rather intoxicated girl removed from my car, it was off to downtown where i took part in the wonderful fall extra hour of drinking to celebrate the start of daylights savings time. the rest of the evening had an interesting and odd feeling to it. i was going to post last night at 5:00am when i finally rolled in. the post was to read, "grrr... but i bring it on myself." i think that i am going to leave it at that. i really need to focus on friends right now and not let anything get in the way of that.

today was chill. hung out with bill and watched the killer. so i guess quite a bit of the weekend was spent in a state of disjoint perception. funny thing about that is how much i feel at home in that state. now it is time to get off to bed.

oh, yeah... i am blonde

oh, yeah... i am blonde again. and i just realized that it has been a long time since i made a good post. i should get around to that...

tonight's message: don't go to

tonight's message:
don't go to the grocery store when you get out of the gym and are starving. everything looks good.

October 31, 2001

everyone needs a cthulhu plushie.

everyone needs a cthulhu plushie.

eek... cowboy bebop boxed set.

eek... cowboy bebop boxed set. janke pointed me in the direction of this anime which has been running on cartoon network. tempting to say the least. i am such a sucker for good animation.

curt link-o-matic action (now with

curt link-o-matic action (now with kung-fu grip!!):

November 1, 2001

so help me to figure

so help me to figure this one out. tuesday night, i fall asleep around 1:30am and get up around 9:00 (7.5 hours of sleepy goodness) and wake up tired. i wandered around all day yesterday trying to get my brain cranking. last night i go out with some friends (more on this in a bit), drank a few beer, and got to sleep around 2:30. this morning i pop out of bed at 8:30, and am totally cranking. what's the story with this? i just don't get my broke-ass body sometimes.

so as i have said this weekend was disjoint. i spent most of it feeling about 3 seconds behind, or 3 feet removed from myself and the situations i was in. this was to a large degree the result of things that were cranking in my own mind. but last night found me in a carbon copy of last saturday. downtown, everyone (but me) in costume. same people, crazy like. but instead of making something more of the situation i focused on the two things that i needed to, relaxing to observe the situations around me, and trying to be a good friend. i am certain that i relaxed and observed a whole lot of strange shit, and i think that i may have been a good friend. here is to hoping.

and i think that it is important to tell people what you think and what you feel, but sometimes there is nothing to be gained by doing that and so it is wise to keep your mouth shut and your ideas to yourself. sometimes there is nothing to be gained by being so forward, and you only end up hurting the people that you are trying to get your ideas across to. and so tight-lipped i sit.

and tricky plays in my headphones to drown out the anoying banter of coworkers and a doc awaits, so i split.

November 2, 2001

so my technology is revolting

so my technology is revolting against me. my home computer has been kinda squirly for the last couple of weeks, it is getting worse now. then my cell phone ups and stops talking to the digital network, no phone. i lost a document that i was working on yesterday, 6 hours of typing down the tubes. and my car is in the shop for some routine+other maintenence, at least i have a nice loner car. and i thought that i lived a simple life.

after talking with violet the

after talking with violet the last couple of days, i have come to realize that i have a hard time communicating my ideas some of the time. i mean over the years i have gotten better about the whole thing, and this outlet certainly has given me time to practice, but sometimes i say things that are easily misinterpeted. in order to make myself feel better, i am going to blame common usage of the english language. at least then it is not my fault. heh...

November 5, 2001

last stop, monday morning. all

last stop, monday morning. all pasengers will have to leave the train at this stop as it is the end of the line. we here thank you for riding weekend rail, have a great week.

my technology has begun to stop its revolt. my phone is managing to hold signal and get and make calls for now. my car has returned from the shop, my drier how does its drying thing. my computer... well... it runs for an hour without crashing. oh well, not like i do that much on it anyway.

i will post on my weekend encounters after i get some work done.

November 6, 2001

so i had every intention

so i had every intention of posting what happened last weekend yesterday. but i guess it really didn't come together that way did it? i find that it is really difficult for me to keep up with all of the promises that i have made and broken on here since i started this little project. but oh well, at least this time i will get around to posting that which i said that i would.

friday turned out to be an unscheduled tiburon outing to see Monsters Inc. what a very funny movie that turned out to be. all i have to really say is that you should go out and see it post-haste, and holy procedural fur batman. then a jaunt downtown offered stronger drinks than i was ready for. oh, well, i slept well.

saturday, gym, car out of shop, game, downtown. meeting new people is always fun, especially when you actually get up the nerve to give one of them your number. rory and i came to an understaning that cleared up a whole lot of the misunderstandings between us. henry and meir and their respective and ex others were out as well, although they were down the street at a meet market like place. dropped in, felt uncomfortable and bailed back to my usual dive.

sunday, house cleaning, laundry, roast of hugh hefner. much laughs cowboy bebop, sleep.

and that is all i have to say about that for now. of course i haven't said anything about monday antics...

November 7, 2001

sometimes people pop back up

sometimes people pop back up into your life and that is a very good thing. welcome back chana, maybe this time your stay can be longer.

so tonight i am going

so tonight i am going to work on my machine. hopefully, i can get it running without too much of an interuption.

November 8, 2001

sometimes i say things that

sometimes i say things that i regret later
you shouldn't
say things i regret?
regret things that you say

November 9, 2001

so i realized as i

so i realized as i interacted with a new friend of mine that i was trying really hard not to offend her. then i realized that the result of that was me expending a large amount of energy trying to be her friend. and then i remembered that that sucked, and so i quit. and now somehow i am endeared? i don't get it...

chana is coming to visit next week. there is a conference here and i nabbed some sick cheap tickets to get her to come. it should rock and i cannot wait. of course we haven't seen each other in something like 5 years. and that ended disasterously. hopefully this one will go much better.

my machine is about 1/2 fixed and i was thinking about working on it and my webpage this weekend, but instead it looks like it is going to be a working weekend. docs abound that need to be completed and so there we are mini-crunchin'. and of course i still have been lazy and not gone out to get my goggles.

November 11, 2001

what a wierd evening this

what a wierd evening this one turned out to be. i was about 5 minutes behind at the beginning of the night and i turned out to be more than right on by the end. no accounting for alcohol, i think that i am really beginning to find my stride here in this crazy town of orlando.

it is a working weekend, so i think that i am going to get up a little early tomorrow, wash the car, hit the gym and try and make it in around 2:00'ish. i should be able to wrap up everything that i need to and still have time to get home and make an interesting evening out of cleaning and doing laundy. at least here is to all kinds of planning.

on a tech note, my phone is more or less behaving itself and the fixes that i applied to my computer appear to have made my problems to stay at bay.

and all the rest being left up to chance as an intersting week aproaches.

November 12, 2001

well, my computer has been

well, my computer has been behaving and my new cel phone is in. my technology seems to be right where it needs to be.

chana gets here wednesday, and a week from today marks the beginning of milestone 1 at work. SSX Tricky has been played many hours from my couch and Return to Castle Wolfenstein has a place in my heart with its tugs to the games of old. nothing better then killing cartoon nazis.

and i am beat and i am going to watch TV and go to bed.

November 13, 2001

damn sniffles.

damn sniffles.

so i am finally getting

so i am finally getting off my ass and installing greymatter to handle my site. this is really cool because i will be able to provide feedback and will prompt me to do a new site design. i think that some flash is in order at least for interface components. hang on to your socks kids.

November 14, 2001

did some design work. have

did some design work. have a general idea of how i want it to look and here are some of the prototype icons for the flash navigation control.

back link for navigation in case the control needs one.
link icon. this will open up the link page.
daily icon. this is basically the home page icon.

my head is so full

my head is so full of camera shit from work that i don't know if i can come up with anything else to say. chana is in town so there is that....

next years gap trend.

next years gap trend.

ever wonder what the internet

ever wonder what the internet was like back in '96? check it...

November 20, 2001

had to reinstall... grrr... prolly

had to reinstall... grrr... prolly take me days to get up and running right again.

November 25, 2001

ouch. made a wish list

ouch. made a wish list over at for christmas and my brain hurts.

November 26, 2001

so i did some site

so i did some site design work over the long weekend and think that i have my idea in mind. problem is that my machine absolutely choked on my mouse and did a nose-dive taking the template with it. of course it is all for not if i don't go ahead and make the shift over to greymatter, which i intend to do this week. so, surfice to say that this week marks the end of this page, and december 1 should mark the beginning of the new. it is almost exciting despite the fact that in essence, it doesn't matter all that much.

so it has been a week since chana was here. it was really strange to have someone staying with me for 5 days. it had been a really long time since i was in a situation where i spent so much time around the same person. i find it kind of interesting though, chana talks about falling into her social life again in stride after spending 2 years with someone, and i am having to deal with spending 5 days with someone and how that effects my life. surfice to say, as much as i love chana, and how cool, attractive, and wonderful that she is, i have no desire at this point to live with someone. i really, REALLY like my space. the long weekend and the downtime was really nice.

got a mail from the mysterious and distant brandi knox. looks like things are up in the air again. i wonder if syncronicity is biting me in the ass again.

and kudos to violet for making a decision to be true to herself. i know all about the depths of co-dependancy and how tough those decisions can be sometimes. it is good to see people not doing the same things that i myself have done.

long rambling post continues...

this weekend found me out 3 days in a row (wednesday, thursday, and friday). and come saturday, i really wanted nothing to do with downtown and all of that. i was tired. my body was fed up with beer, and i just needed some time to myself. so i rewired my stereo, and watched some TV. then i settled down and listened to some philip glass after doing that whole christmas list thing. i had almost forgotten how much i love that crazy glass guy, and how much it reminds me of a certain kind of peace that i have yet to find someone to share with. in addition, i ran into amber, my alleged go partner. she popped up, but we crossed phone paths all weekend so oh, well.

all of the sweaterband ads


November 27, 2001

another night comes to a

another night comes to a humid end. it is not that the weather is not downright fucking brilliant here or anything, just that my apartment gets a little warm during the day and then takes it slow house-scale time getting cooler in the evenings. this is encouraged by the opening of more cross ventalating windows, but sometimes still has to be pushed over the edge by running the AC for a couple of minutes. oh well, at least in a month or so i will still have my windows open.

today was perhaps the most unproductive day i have had in a long time. it all started this morning with a wait on the delivery of my TV, which rocks. and then kind of just sitting around my desk trying to make sense of the lighting and the temperature and the chair after having not been there for 4 days. i have to wonder if my body and mind intentionally do that to me as some sort of coping mechanism to deal with the hours that i have been known to put in. sometimes it is better not to think about it.

so i have found that a number of my friends are keeping online journals and have taken the time to catch up on their lives by them. and then a mysterious and syncronous call from reify inspired by an ikea catalog. good to hear that he is doing well depite his ability to kill my game at a range of about 1200 miles. oh well, if i were as sexy as that man right there, life would indeed be too good to be true.

i have been invited over for dinner at katori/violet's place tomorrow night. something about cooked onions i have been led to believe and now i get the opertunity to see if all of the boasting about her cooking indeed can be backed up by a demonstration of kitchen prowess. not that i have any reason to doubt her, just that i was absoluty spoiled by wonderful cooking by parentals (pops included).

speaking of cooking, some words of advice for you would-be thanksgiving dinner perparers of fine cuisine out there: always thaw that bird before you get you oven on. and my mom's mashed potatoe recipie will kill you quick with a corinary, but makes you wish that you could die right there on the spot. even if prepared by me, watch out mom, your beef stroganoff is next!!

to all of you out there who are intersted in another anime series worth owning check out cowboy bebop which is currently running in cartoon network's adult swim on sunday and thursday night. if for anything else, check it out for the really top notch soundtrack which has some great jazz influenced tracks. i recently aquired the boxed set for the whole series which includes a soundtrack cd that will probably find itself in some serious rotation in my car and home.

and i just realized that this has turned into yet another long as hell post. oh well, guess i do have to make up for all the time that i wasn't posting anything over the last week or 3.

November 28, 2001

tired and sore for some

tired and sore for some reason. i wonder if something that i ate last weekend gave me some touch of food poisoning. i just have been feeling icky the last couple of days.

this evening did provide me with some entertainment. it is entertaining to no end to have inside information and be the recipient of some telling looks and be able to read more into a situation than is probably safe. in addition, katori did turn out to be a fine cook. yummy food for my tummy.

and fuck cartoon network restarting DBZ without finishing the current story arc.

sometimes life gives me the

sometimes life gives me the chance to get to know people slowly. it is much like unwrapping a gift, taking your time with it. little by little, you get glimpses of the beautiful thing that is inside, and each glimpse gives you a feeling of apreciation for what is inside and the way that it is packaged so nicely.

November 29, 2001

so the latest post is

so the latest post is up on the prototype site. not that it says anything, except that i should go to bed.

November 7, 2002


and, of course, the return to normallity is good.

June 29, 2006

i forget...

i forget to post for lots of reasons. mostly because as my life has settled into a routine, i don't feel very much need to vent like i did for a long time. don't know what that means about this site, if i should kill it, or remove the blog, or what. i will have to think about that.

in the meantime, play an hour of sudoku for free then buy the game for less than 13 bucks.

speaking of sudoku, if you don't own a DS, you should buy one. then you should be absolutely certain that you buy Brain Age (because it is cool and new) and New Super Mario Brothers (for the distilled side-scrolling old-school fun of it). i say this as a gamer not as an employee of Nintendo.


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