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March 11, 2002

popping up, not unlike a smack-a-mole

sometimes you forget all of the places you leave little hints where you can be found. and sometimes people stuble across those leads and shout out at you through the years and the miles... and it is in that moment that a swarm of memories come flooding back. memories that bring you a smile and memories that leave you wondering how in the hell you ever made it out of childhood in one piece. it is also interesting to contemplate if the caterpillers of you past have indeed become butterflies in life as you once thought and suspected they might...

and so i have warm thoughts to carry me to sleep on this cool evening. and i hope that all of you do too.

Posted on March 11, 2002 2:32 AM | | Comments (2)

March 13, 2002

weekend plans

the plans for this weekend are starting to come into focus and should prove to be a nice relaxing break from the same-ol... sycronicity bites me once again...

Posted on March 13, 2002 3:50 AM | | Comments (2)

March 20, 2002

48 hours...

48 hours i feel like such a boy...

Posted on March 20, 2002 11:42 PM | | Comments (0)

April 14, 2002

while revisiting a walk...

of course my memory, the details of them, fail me and my adventures to revisit the past don't start in the same place, but perhaps that is unimportant. the destination of that walk was the origin of this one and my thought lie somewhere in between contemplation of that day and wonder at this one. the landmarks the same if more crowded and noisy for the children chasing ducks (were there ducks that day?) and the sun after a rain replacing the indications of a coming rain. and of course this time i am alone. i will fail in a way today, not returning with a token of that place. but again not failing as this new adventure calls for a looking forward to what can be, not what has been. i think that i will not try and remember but instead will wonder as today holds infinate possibilities into the future, while the past holds none...

Posted on April 14, 2002 12:55 AM | | Comments (1)

May 12, 2002

...

...

yeah.

Posted on May 12, 2002 10:43 PM | | Comments (1)

July 16, 2002

words...

i have never really been someone who has had a problem with words. i like them, i enjoy abusing them to convey thoughts more clearly despite conventional usage. yet sometimes, something will happen and i will never be able to find the right ones. so all i can say is "i'm sorry" and hope that it can begin to convey the actual things that i feel.

Posted on July 16, 2002 1:09 PM | | Comments (0)

July 22, 2002

nice guys sometimes finish...

i like being able to sleep at night. i really like having a clean concence. maybe my mom raised me right, maybe it was all of that religion that i had as a kid. whatever the case is, i am a nice guy. sometimes i am selfish, but i really think that all actions are at some level self serving. sometimes i hurt people with what i say and do, but i never intend to do that. sometimes i fall flat on my face with my actions or let my intentions get too far out in front of me, but as time goes on i make that mistake less and less.

but isn't that really the root of learning? time goes on, we experience more and more and we hopefully make less mistakes? at least that is how i look at it these days. one of these days it is bound to pay off. that, and i sure am loving this crazy life.

Posted on July 22, 2002 11:29 PM | | Comments (0)

August 5, 2002

sleep...

my sleep cycle is completely backwards now. i find myself awake until all hours of the morning kept awake by my thoughts and my body. i am making use of my time, sending e-mail and working on little things. i wish that i could sleep like a normal person, but i guess that i don't get that privilage.

and i was unfortunatly right. i find myself in a "different place, different time" situation where i am confused about what i can and cannot say, what is right and wrong to do. all i know for sure is a part of me that i have not noticed for over 3 years is awake again, and i missed that part of myself horribly. i will not have any regrets, although i doubt that i will get what i want. called my own bluff, trying to not have any expectations, trying not to hurt anyone around me.

Posted on August 5, 2002 4:55 AM | | Comments (2)

August 6, 2002

self doubts...

i can't belive myself sometimes. i can't believe that i consider myself a confident person. chuck asks me, "you sound scared; what do you fear?" i have to answer, "i think part of me fears that i will end up hurting people that i care about by actions that i do not want to make, but feel that i have to." and i always claimed to have no fears.

all i need is a word of assurance to throw all this away, but i doubt that will come in time to encourage a peaceful nights sleep.

Posted on August 6, 2002 1:44 AM | | Comments (1)

August 8, 2002

duallity...

i believe to possible to be more than one person in more than one situation. i am not sure if it is possible for anyone to bring the whole of their being into an interaction with more than one other person and for that to come off correctly. i am not talking about doning masks for social encounters, as much as i am talking about putting aside aspects of your personality depending on the situation. this does not make the self any less genuine, as much as it does protect others from the ramifications of that self. sometimes you have to hide in order to keep from hurting those you care about.

Posted on August 8, 2002 1:11 AM | | Comments (3)

August 22, 2002

this fine evening...

it always takes some time for my apartment to cool off in the evenings. normally an hour or so as the air conditioning works to take the small space from 80 degrees down to a better 70. in that time, i find a sweat normally forms on my brow, something i dislike horribly.

before going up to my apartment this evening, as i was closing the garage doors, i noticed that the sky tonight was amazingly clear. and that the moon was full and bright. i don't remember the last time i saw such a clear sky. not just the absence of clouds, but also the absence of anything but black and stars and moon.

but earlier in the evening, she has a little top on. just straps, no sleeves, black against her paler skin. and you can tell by the way that her shoulders roll down and her arms in that she is cold. i take a moment and appreciate the curve as her neck goes down, out to her fingers. she is reaching to put on her sweater. i brush the tips of my fingers down and off her skin to the point where her sleeves are waiting to be pulled up. she smiles and asks, "do you want me to wait a moment?"

it is in the smallest things that are done that the greatest meaning can sometimes be found. the joking nature of a comment which suggests a play of both words and movement. sometimes the most stimulating is that which leaves you wondering what it is that you are stimulated by. the interplay of imagination and allusion that leads to thoughts with doubts.

or then again, maybe i just read too much into things...

Posted on August 22, 2002 12:13 AM | | Comments (2)

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